Still Standing After One of the Most Difficult, Heartbreaking Years of My Life

Don Miller is in town.  When I surrendered my life to God in September 2006 and wanted something interesting to read, some of you recommended his books.  He has become one of my favorite authors of all time and has often inspired me, but the message he shared tonight affected me in ways that are indescribable.  God’s timing is perfect.

You see, while it’s been one of the most rewarding years of my life, it has also been one of the most heartbreaking, culminating just recently in one of the darkest moods I’ve ever encountered.  In fact, I’ve been actively seeking professional counseling to help deal with the emotional pain, heartbreak and general “funk” that has recently become my reality.

People can really suck sometimes.  They are capable of taking ones words and actions and twisting them until something breaks.  Humans are capable of making the very worst out of the very best of situations.  Some thrive on turning one’s fight against injustice back against the fighter.  I’ve discovered that it takes a stronger man than I to stand up against every attack.  I’ve allowed people to rob my joy, to steal my vision, to bring intense mental anguish.

But instead of focusing on that, let me back up and tell you this…

One day out of the blue, 3 or 4 years ago now, I received a phone call from Donald Miller.  To some of you that might seem pretty incredible, and today that would also seem incredible to me, but back when it happened I was right in the middle of a stretch of regular “incredible” encounters that would blow my mind today.  To be honest, it almost became expected on my part.  Why Don reached out to me, however, was because XXXChurch had told him my story, given him my number and let him know how much I loved his books.  We’ve since exchanged emails, text messages, and a phone call here and there over the years… not exactly “close friends”, but not strangers either.

If you’re a Donald Miller fan, you’ve undoubtedly heard of the Mentoring Project, which aims to mentor 1 million fatherless boys and to therefore reduce the number of prisons in this country by 15%.  This vision inspired me, but I didn’t feel as if I could work as a mentor due to my past as a pornographer.  In a few text messages, I voiced this opinion to Don.  His response was that I was full of crap: he didn’t feel my past would affect my ability to mentor teens, and in fact felt it had provided experiences that could be used to my advantage when dealing with people who needed someone “real” with whom to relate.  With that encouragement, I set out to start a local chapter of the Mentoring Project… but life led me in a slightly different direction.

An email exchange:

Donny Pauling to Donald Miller – Wed, Sep 22, 2010 at 8:08 AM
Didn’t end up starting an official chapter here in Redding, but I’ve been mentoring a handful of kids of both sexes. It’s been amazing. And you were right: my past as a porn producer has been a non-issue to their parents. In fact, it’s pretty much been a legitimizing force making me more human and causing them to be more inclined to open up.

- Donny -

Don’s response…

Donald Miller to Donny Pauling – Wed, Sep 22, 2010 at 11:25 AM
I LOVE this Donny. Awesome. I didn’t think it would be an issue, actually, and in terms of speaking into the reality of where we are all living, your past gives you a PhD. For sure. Great news.

Don

That was in September, but December rolled around and painful events began changing my world.  Life lost some of its color… colors that have faded even more in the months that’ve followed.  Circumstances cut deeply, and I  lost the desire to mentor anyone other than my two second-cousins whom I home-schooled.  I’ve found myself living from a place of cynicism, and my attitude has often been horrible.

Which is why tonight was amazing.

I’d like to share with you some thoughts inspired by having been involved in the lives of these kids, short as the time may have been.  In total, there were several teens of both sexes.  I’m not going to use their names:  any stories and/or random thoughts I am about to share could have been any one of them,  so if you’ve hung around me recently please don’t try to guess who I am talking about.

Because of our sin nature, even the best of men can be pigs.  Several of the girls I’ve met have been molested, often by family members who should be protecting them.  One girl was raped in her sleep in the third grade, only learning it had happened when her grandmother took her to the hospital the next morning because she noticed blood – 3rd grade seemed far too young to be starting a period.

Boys are not immune to abuse, some of it incomprehensibly bad, affecting one boy on such a deep level that he thought pulling out his own teeth would be a good way to show his mother that he was angry.  That same boy explained to me why he always seemed to be in trouble at school:  ”I want to always be the sweet guy I am around my mother, but everybody expects me to be someone else at school, so I live up to what they think I am.”

Living one’s life heavily influenced by what others think seems to be a common factor in the lives of these teens.  I have a problem with that: those “others” don’t deserve their opinions to be so important!

Many stories I’ve listened to this past year were equally heartbreaking.  I met every one of these kids because they were friends of my young cousins.  Let’s be real:  that fact scared the crap out of me.  In the past I’ve heard horrible things that happen to “those kids out there”, but when I witnessed it happening to those who are so close to my family – kids in whose homes my cousins have often slept over – my heart felt terror.  My gut reaction was to rescue my family, to take them as far away as possible from those who perpetrate such things.  But in my quest to do so, I was sometimes labeled “controlling,” even by adults who should know better.

Here’s a secret:
I’ll gladly wear that label if I can help keep those I love from making mistakes as teenagers that will negatively affect them for life.  Where some might see a “harmless” teenage decision, I see a pattern of behavior developing.  Compromising one’s values on the smallest matters, when done to fit in with peers who are making mistakes, can turn into a lifestyle of compromise and “going with the flow”.  If one’s lifetime goal is to live in a trailerpark surviving on government assistance, that might be okay.  But I want to inspire the kids I love to aim higher than that.

Tonight, Don Miller’s message focused on things he wanted to share with women (Saturday night will be aimed at men).  I sat there with a smile on my face as words escaped Don’s mouth that have also escaped my own, almost word for word, in conversations with my two young cousins and their friends.

Don spoke about a woman’s value.  About the importance of protecting that value and the uniqueness of it.  He spoke about not giving in to those around us… to stand out without judging others:  ”I respect your individuality, but I will not compromise my own values to fit in with you.”  He talked about how a woman making herself too “easy to get” reduces her value in a man’s eyes, because she hasn’t fought for herself – the more  something has to be fought for, the more valuable it is to the person who gets it. As an illustration, Don used a scientific study that indicates girls “hook up with” men they respect, while for guys it’s the exact opposite:  they hook up with girls they don’t respect and will never marry.  If it’s too easy for a man to get what he wants, he’ll just take it and then turn to someone he has to fight harder for, never respecting the person who put such a small price on her value.  And a person’s value is built by her decision making and the choices she makes in all matters, not just sexually.

This past year I’ve been telling teens the way I feel about things as simple as tattoos, piercings, and “fitting in”.  I’ve been emphasizing how important it is to always be fighting hard to stay pure and to remain true to what we know is right, deep inside.  My opinion is that even something as simple as getting a belly button piercing, when done because “my friends have one and I want to fit in”,  leads to a pattern of giving in that ends up ruining a person’s value.  ”It’s just a piercing” doesn’t fly with me: it’s not about the piercing, it’s about what is motivating it.  And just because parents say they are “okay with it”, doesn’t mean giving up and giving in is okay.  The fact that so many adults have given up on morals because they are tired of arguing with their children will not distract me from telling kids my thoughts on such things.  The kids listening to my thoughts definitely don’t have to do what I say, but if I sat idly by without saying something that might prevent mistakes from being made by those I care about… well, I just wouldn’t be happy with myself.

In recent weeks I’ve been given many labels by people who seem to have given up on life outside of the small box they’ve let themselves be put into.  Hearing Don repeat things I’ve told these kids, almost word for word, felt like validation.  It was as if God was standing there saying, “You did the right thing, regardless of what the naysayers believe.  Don’t wear the labels they apply to you.”

I needed to hear that.

To Any Parents Who Might Hold Offense Or Think I’ve Been “Controlling”:

I’m sorry you feel that way, and I apologize if that’s the way I’ve come across.  I’m a human who has made many mistakes in my life, and will make many more if I’m allowed to stay on this planet for any length of time.  I would like you to understand that my goal was to hold your kids to a higher standard, not to control them.  I’ve made a deal with every single teen who spends any time with me:  you can tell me absolutely anything without getting in trouble with me, because you get to make your own decisions.  But you need to respectfully listen to my opinions on the things we talk about.  Feel free to ignore what I’ve said to you, but always hear me out.  That’s the deal.

If you know me or have spoken with me at any length, you know the background of my family.  Many of my uncles and cousins have spent time in prison.  Many of them have given up on living any sort of decent life whatsoever.  The younger generations who hold so much promise usually end up falling into the same patterns and routines of the older.  Please understand that as adults, if you try to be the “cool parent” in order to avoid conflict, your kids are going to follow the same road as previous generations.  When I’m spending time with these bright-eyed, beautiful future adults, the thought of them ending up like most of my family… just simply disgusts me.  Because it is unnecessary, and all it takes to prevent that from happening is to be strong and say “that’s not a good idea”, even if doing so causes conflict.

As Don Miller said last night, “Every good story involves a LOT of conflict.  In every good movie you see, the protagonist wants something and has to overcome enormous difficulties to get it.”  What I want is for your kids to live a great story, breaking the cycle that has held the previous generations of their family in captivity.  Hate me for that if you must.  Maybe you don’t believe it’s possible for your kids to have better, but I won’t give up that hope.  I can’t.  It’d be too depressing to think their future includes some deadbeat husband, fatherless children, tattoos, piercings and welfare.  Puke.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes.  To be honest, if it wasn’t for my dad I’d probably be some tatted-up drug addict, in and out of jail all of my life.  That’s the heritage I inherited from most of the generations before me, and that’s what a lot of relatives my age have fallen into.  But from an early age, my dad always told me I was the smartest person he knew.  He often brought me to tears with his words: he rarely applied physical correction, but rather psychological correction.  The words he used would make me ashamed of the mistakes I made.  But those words were also effective:  I believed I was better than my circumstances.  I’ve taken the wrong path on many occasions, but my dad’s words resonate in my ears and keep my hope alive, no matter how dark the road I find myself upon.

My goal has always been to return that favor to your kids.  Seriously, that’s it:  I wanted them to believe they were better than their circumstances and to hold themselves to a higher standard.  Without that hope, they’ll perish.  In fact, that’s Biblical – right out of Proverbs 29:18 – “Where there is no vision, the people perish.”

If you’ve given up on hope for an amazing life, please don’t assume your children must do so also.  Please.  It’s not fair to them.  Please try to step back and look at their life from a bigger picture.  ”Harmless” things aren’t really that harmless in the long run.  Giving in to fit in is never good.  Please please please try to consider what is best for your kids, not what is most convenient for you.  Sometimes what’s best for our children is going to be difficult.  There will be conflict.  But the harder we, and they, have to fight to get beyond that conflict, the more valuable will be what we get as a result.

This Might Be a Mistake – We’ll See

An email I just sent out to every person in my contact list:

First of all, please know that I’m sending this email as a blind carbon copy to absolutely every email address in my google contacts. I probably should have sorted them out, ’cause of the hundreds and hundreds of email addresses, I’m sure some of you don’t talk to me anymore. If that’s the case, allow me to apologize in advance for my laziness in hitting “select all” for the bcc field.

Here’s why I’m emailing you:

Bowlfest is an annual fund raiser for a group I love called “Fireproof Ministries”… their best known ministry is called XXXChurch.com. I usually don’t participate in fund raisers because I absolutely hate raising sponsors. I agreed to do so this year, however and am down to the wire now (I have a matter of a few days before all sponsor info is due to be turned in). Here is a page with the details of what I’m trying to do and WHY I’m putting down my ego (seriously, this part is very hard for me) and asking for sponsors: http://bit.ly/ckPNeu

I’ve committed to raising $2,500 for Fireproof. I still need to raise another $1,750 – you can see how badly I’ve sucked at reaching my goal – hee hee. I’m asking for sponsors from:

-Pastors of churches where I’ve spoken to see if their church or men’s group will consider being a sponsor.
-Business owners.
-Friends and family.
-Etc.

If you fit the bill and are wiling to sponsor me, please let me know. You can do so on the page I linked to, or you can reply to me and have Fireproof send a sponsor sheet. Again, I’m sending this to hundreds of you at once so please don’t feel singled out or obligated. And, again, you can read more info here: http://bit.ly/ckPNeu

Thanks, guys! This is very important to me and I appreciate your consideration.

- Donny -
http://www.DonnyPauling.com

A Letter to My Addicted Brother, Of Whom I Am Very Proud

This is a letter to my brother, Daniel, who is in a Teen Challenge Program overcoming his addictions. He’s had problems with drugs and alcohol since he was a teenager, but only recently decided to take responsibility for himself and seek help. I’ve helped him several times over the years, and finally threw up my hands in frustration and limited all communication with him.

Until recently, that is…

You see, my brother finally took responsibility for his actions and sought out help. He’s enrolled in a Teen Challenge program in Arkansas. And I couldn’t be prouder.

The first letter he sent after being in there was one of discouragement. It was addressed to my mom ’cause he and I haven’t been talking much. She shared it with me. I knew it was coming. It’s normal to be down in the dumps when starting a program such as this. He threw out things like, “I want to be in a program that teaches me what alcohol does to my body” and “this isn’t even a rehab – I thought it was…” and “they force me to read the Bible all the time” and “they don’t have work placement assistance after the program is over” and… blah blah blah. I smiled as I read through his excuses. I knew he was in those initial stages of settling in, and he was looking for any excuse to leave. So I broke my silence and wrote to him. Here’s what I wrote (for the record when his name is mentioned, Caden is my son):

Daniel,

Mom let me read your first letter. I’m not surprised you’re not the happiest camper right now. But I am asking a favor of you: do NOT walk away. Hear me out.

First of all, I want to address one thing you mentioned. You said that you wanted to know what alcohol does to your body. I’ll tell you and save you the trouble of transferring to a place that educates you about it. You ready? This is gonna be heavy:

It screws it up!

That’s really all you need to know. Honestly. Addictions have stolen your life from you and ruined relationships, including ours. What more do you need to know?

Now, let me tell you this: I could NOT POSSIBLY BE MORE PROUD OF YOU THAN I AM RIGHT NOW! The only way you can take that away from me is to quit. You work your butt off in there, okay? Trust God. I know that sounds cliché and sometimes worthless after all the things we’ve felt about Him, but I know this: you’re in the right place.

The fact that teen challenge isn’t a “rehab” is actually perfect for you. You’ll eventually see that. Your eyes are going to be opened and you’re going to see life from a bigger perspective. If you can’t trust God on this, trust me. I can promise you that if you finish this program your life will be infinitely better.

But as I said before, I am asking you as a personal favor to stay in the program. I’m pretty confident our relationship will be restored through this. In fact, I have one more favor to ask of you: study the Bible with me. Here’s what I mean by that… let’s choose a topic. Or if they assign topics to you, write to me about them. Then let’s talk about them. I purchased this Bible Software called Logos 4 Platinum. It’s very expensive software and worth every penny. There are more than 3,500 books included. The Bible is coming alive for me because of it. I’ve actually WANTED to read it and haven’t really read much else for awhile now.

I’m emailing you, but if they reply to me and tell me that they can’t print it out and give it to you I’ll do so myself…. print it out and mail it regularly. I just wanted to get a response to you as soon as possible.

I’m going to mail some envelopes and stamps so you can write to whomever you wish. Let me know when you’re low on supplies like that.

I’ve been reading through the website for the Arkansas program. I know you’re not seeing it right now, but God’s all over it. You’re life will be changed if you let it. I’m asking you to do so.

One thing you’ll find is this, Daniel: most rehabs treat the symptoms of problems. This one treats the cause. The focus on God is important because once you’ve finally encountered Him, the root issue is then being treated. Your heart is where the problem lies. You need to know who you are. You need to know how HE sees you. That information needs to sink into your heart, not just into your ears.

You are my brother. There has never been a time when I’ve not loved you, but there sure has been times I don’t want to talk to you. The reason is because you were not willing to take responsibility and do what it takes to get what you need. NOW you are doing that. STICK WITH IT. STICK WITH IT. STICK WITH IT.

Did I mention that I want you to stick with it?

By the way, I’m also convinced there’s a big huge GOD PLAN involved in your being at the Arkansas facility. That makes it just a bit more difficult to run away. And stop being concerned about being close to family. Right now it’s time to focus on Daniel. Right now it is OKAY to be selfish. In fact, that’s exactly what you need to do: focus JUST on yourself and God. Don’t worry about what you’re going to do for work after you get out. There is not a single doubt in my mind that will turn out just fine.

Since I don’t know what you’re currently studying, I’m gonna take a few minutes to figure out a Bible study that I want to do with you. This is just us… you and me…. Donny and Daniel… studying the Bible. What an awesome thing to do. I can’t think of anything else I’d rather do tonight. In fact, just so you know, this is my weekend with Caden. You KNOW I never take any time away from that, but I am doing so right now. I read your letter to mom while I was cooking dinner for Caden. I couldn’t wait to reply. I know you’re feeling down, but that is expected for awhile. I know you don’t like rules, either. None of us do. But I’m asking you to submit yourself to those rules. Make a choice to trust God that no matter how silly a rule might be, following it is what you need to do right now. I promise, in the future you’ll see a purpose in every single “petty” rule. The way the rules make you feel is up to you. You can feel joy or anger. It’s your decision. Seriously.

Also: I’ve posted on twitter and facebook how proud I am of you. Some of my facebook friends have promised to write to you, too.

Okay… anyway… on to the Bible Study.

Even more shocking than finding out that I like reading the Bible is finding out that I like reading the Old Testament. It’s seriously cool once you learn to study it – to dig into the context of it. To find out what it meant to the people who wrote it or to the people who read those original documents. I’ve been telling Bible stories to Caden in a way that really captures his mind. I just interrupted his video game playing and asked him to tell me which story he likes most so I can share it with Uncle Daniel. He told me that he wants me to tell you the story about the “guy with the 300 men”… he’s talking about Gideon. So here goes…. this could get long.

The story of Gideon focuses on his struggle to overcome fear. The Midianites along with other eastern peoples had oppressed Israel for seven years (Judges 6:1–10). They had basically taken everything away from Israel. God wasn’t protecting them because they had this really dumb habit of turning to idols when they were comfortable. What I mean is this: they served God when they needed Him, but after He’d done so many great things for them they’d always decide to “fit in” with the people around them and serve the stupid gods worshipped by the people they lived around.

Anwyay, God came to Gideon and challenged him to lead Israel like a “mighty warrior” (Judges 6:12) and get rid of the people oppressing them. What you need to know, though, is that Gideon was the least important person in his family. And his family was the least important family of all the families in Israel. Gideon really didn’t have any self confidence. He actually couldn’t believe God would choose him to do anything of importance. One thing you’ll see as you study the Bible is that God often asks the least likely people to do His work. Israel’s first king (Saul) actually was from similar circumstances: an unimportant man in an unimportant family.

Anyway, back to Gideon.

Gideon passed his first test of faith by tearing down the altar of Baal that belonged to his father (people actually wanted to kill him for doing that). That was significant because he was showing God that he wanted to get away from the false gods yet again and worship the one true God. After tearing down the altar to Baal he prepared for battle against the Midianites. By setting out a fleece of wool, he devised a test to learn that God was really with him (Judges 6:36–40). Why did he do that test? Once again, he wasn’t sure God really would use him. He kept having to test God to make sure. His self confidence wouldn’t let him believe it.

At first Gideon gathered 32,000 soldiers, but God tested Gideon’s courage once again. So that HE was the one who received credit for the victory, He initially reduced Gideon’s army to ten thousand. It went kinda like this: “If I let you take 32,000 men with you, when you win you’ll be tempted to think it was because of your big army. I want you to know that you couldn’t have done this without me. I want you to be certain that I’m doing this for you.” But even 10,000 men were too much. God whittled Gideon’s army down to only the three hundred who “lapped the water with their tongue like a dog” when they stopped for a drink (Judges 7:5). These three hundred were selected because they showed that they were more watchful for the enemy. Here’s the part that really kicks butt: those 300 men were going up against THOUSANDS of trained soldiers. But here’s what they did: They split into three groups and surrounded the camps of their enemy. All they had to do was blow trumpets and break the pots that covered their fire lamps. The Midianites were confused and started killing each other because they thought there were huge amounts of Israelites in their camp. Usually for every person blowing a horn and holding a lamp there were a TON of soldiers behind them. So when they saw and heard 300 people doing this, they were convinced there were enemies swarming all over them.

So in spite of a weak leader, small army, and the foolish weapons of trumpets and torches, Israel won the day because of the power of God (Judges 7:22). Now that he was no longer afraid of battle, Gideon went out and humbled the cities of Succoth and Peniel, which had refused to gave aid to his fatigued army (Judges 8:4–17). By executing the Midianite kings, Zebab and Zalmunna, Gideon avenged his brothers (Judges 8:18–21) who had been killed by those kings. He pretty much became a major butt kicker.

Thing is… Gideon wasn’t some perfect man. He ended up marrying all sorts of women, having 70 kids, etc. But that’s kinda the point: God often picks insignificant, imperfect people to do His work. Not only does He do so in order to make it clear that HE is the one in charge, He also does so to make the point that none of us are truly unimportant. There is something for all of us to do.

Read through the passages I mentioned and let me know what your thoughts are. Share with me anything you get out of them. I want to know. This kind of thing gives us a common focus, so study with me, my brother. Please? Instead of seeing the Bible as pointless and boring, I think you’re going to find the same thing I have: it’s pretty deep. We’re not just reading at surface value… let’s find out what lessons we can learn that apply to US. Okay?

Let your mind relax there at Teen Challenge. Trust that you’ll see a bigger plan as time goes on. You’re really treating the root of the problem now, instead of just the symptoms. I’ve been really getting to know God, and that’s what ends up changing everything. Once “getting to know God” becomes real to you, instead of something dumb that you just hear in church, you’ll start noticing that the problems in your life are being treated. THAT is the beauty of Teen Challenge. So, again, just go with it. Finish it. What if it fails? Then we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. For now, just trust. I’m asking that as a favor to me, which you’ll eventually see was a favor to you.

Your very proud brother,

Donny

For someone going through a program like this, letters are very important. If you’d like to say something encouraging to my brother, or to send him, say, an encouraging postcard, here is the address to send it to:

Daniel Pauling
C/O Teen Challenge
P.O. Box 8177
Hot Springs, AR 71910

Is This Sexy?

In an internet discussion with a bunch of guys who think porn’s great, I shared a few of my “porn stories”, which you, my constant readers, have all read.  There are always all sorts of reasons/objections these guys use to explain why each story “isn’t my fault” or to find somewhere else to pass the buck of blame.

I decided to look for other stories of reality, so I went to the website of  former porn star Shelley Lubben and found some really sexy facts:

• 66% of porn stars have Herpes, a non-curable disease.
• Chlamydia and Gonorrhea among performers is 10x greater than that of LA County 20-24 year olds.
• 70% of sexually transmitted infections in the porn industry occur in females.
• 25 HIV cases among porn performers since 2004 reported by Adult Industry Medical Healthcare.
• 20 suicides and 28 drug related deaths among performers that we know of since 2000.
• Over 100 straight and gay performers died from AIDS.
• The largest group viewing online pornography is ages 12 to 17.
• More than 11 million teens regularly view porn online.
• Worldwide pornography revenue in 2006 was $97.06 billion. Of that, approximately $13 billion was in the United States.
• There are 4.2 million pornographic websites, 420 million pornographic web pages, and 68 million daily search engine requests.

She has links to references backing up those stats at the bottom of the page, and a few “happy happy joy joy” stories from porn stars some of you might recognize over on this page. Beautiful stories, no? Check them out:

“I did over 100 xxx hardcore movies where I was slapped, hit, choked and forced to to sex scenes I never agreed to.
As I did more and more scenes I abused prescription pills which were given to me anytime I wanted by several Doctors in the San Fernando Valley. I was given Vicodin, Xanax, Norcos, Prozac and Zoloft.” – Michelle Avanti

My first movie I was treated very rough by 3 guys. They pounded on me, gagged me with their penises, and tossed me around like I was a ball! I was sore, hurting and could barely walk. My insides burned and hurt so badly. I could barely pee and to try to have a bowel movement was out of the question. I was hurting so bad from the physical abuse from these 3 male porn stars! – Alexa Milano

“People in the porn industry are numb to real life and are like zombies walking around. The abuse that goes on in this industry is completely ridiculous. The way these young ladies are treated is totally sick and brainwashing. I left due to the trauma I experienced even though I was there only a short time.” – Jessie Jewels

“I had bodily fluids all over my face that had to stay on my face for ten minutes. The abuse and degradation was rough. I sweated and was in deep pain. On top of the horrifying experience, my whole body ached, and I was irritable the whole day. The director didn’t really care how I feltt; he only wanted to finish the video.” – Genevieve

“They told me if had my AIDS test that I’d be safe. I arrived on the set with my test and did a hardcore scene with two men. Within that week I was very sick with a fever of 104 and blisters all over my mouth, throat and private area. I looked like a monster. The doctor told me I had the non-curable disease Genital Herpes. I wanted to die.” – Roxy aka Shelley Lubben

“The truth is I let my lifestyle get the best of me. I hate life. I’m a mess. A disaster. I’ve attempted suicide many times.”
“No one cares about a dead porn star or stripper.” – Neesa

“Guys punching you in the face. You have semen from many guys all over your face, in your eyes. You get ripped. Your insides can come out of you. It’s never ending.” – Jersey Jaxin

“I found out 2 days later that I had caught gonorrhea in my first scene! As quick as that the glamour of being a porn star was gone. In the five years I was shooting I caught Gonorrhea and Chlamydia many times. Sometimes both at the same time about every 3-5 months.” – Nadia Styles

“As for myself, I ended up paying the price from working in the porn industry. In 2006, not even 9 months in, I caught a moderate form of dysplasia of the cervix(which is a form of HPV, a sexually transmitted disease) and later that day, I also found out I was pregnant. I had only 1 choice which was to abort the baby during my first month. It was extremely painful emotionally and physically. When it was all over, I cried my eyes out.”- Tamra Toryn

“My first scene was one of the worst experiences of my life. It was very scary. It was a very rough scene. My agent didn’t let me know ahead of time… I did it and I was crying and they didn’t stop. It was really violent. He was hitting me. It hurt. It scared me more than anything. They wouldn’t stop. They just kept rolling.”
“Drugs are huge. They’re using viagra. It’s unnatural. The girls will be on xanax and vicodin.” – Sierra Sinn

“I didn’t want to feel the pain of penetration from an over average sized man, being told to freeze in a position until the camera man was happy with his shots was very painful. I had peoples body fluids forced on my face or anywhere else the producer pleased and I had to accept it or else no pay. Sometimes you would get to a gig and the producer would change what the scene was supposed to be to something more intense and again if you didn’t like it, too bad, you did it or no pay.” – Elizabeth Rollings

“I went through more heartbreaks and became suicidal. I was taken to the hospital for panic attacks. I tried to overdose on xanax, strangle myself, and cut my wrists but not nearly deep enough. I was too scared of the pain. I prayed God would just take me away! I felt helpless. I even went to church for a few months but the guilt I felt was overwhelming that I would feel as if I were choking when I was at church. I had to choose and once again I chose to continue sinning. It was easier and I needed the money.” – Crissy Moran

“I hung out with a lot of people in the Adult industry, everybody from contract girls to gonzo actresses. Everybody has the same problems. Everybody is on drugs. It’s an empty lifestyle trying to fill up a void.”
“I became horribly addicted to heroin and crack. I overdosed at least 3 times, had tricks pull knives on me, have been beaten half to death- the only reason I am still here is God. – Becca Brat

“We should think about these issues right now, to change stuff around to make this a safer f**kin’ business. It isn’t a safe business, and I thought it was, and I would have not did that scene with no condom with Darren James if it would have crossed my mind that those tests weren’t good and that I couldn’t trust him or the people he’s been with. I thought porn people were the cleanest people in the world, is what I thought.” – Lara Roxx, diagnosed with HIV in April, 2004 along with four other porn stars.

How well does this match up to the sexually appealing picture trying to be portrayed on screen?  Witnessing these types of things in person is the biggest reason I can honestly say I’m not attracted to porn.

Savior Complex

Written about me in a public internet discussion:

Donny sounds like he’s got a savior complex.

My thoughts on the matter:

Dunno what you’d call it, but I can tell you it feels good to get it out and talk about it, telling people about reality and letting them choose what to do with the info.

It’s healing to have people tell you that your words influenced their life. Once in awhile, a marriage is saved. Sometimes a guy will talk about how his fascination with porn was taken away and he spends more time with his wife because of it. Women have cried into my shirt thanking me for taking responsibility and apologizing for producing something that ruined their marriage. Others have spewed a bit of hatred, which is fine too.

All of these things give me a sense that some good can come from the bad things I’ve done, and that is quite therapeutic.

Feel free to call it savior complex, if that’s how you perceive it. :) Doesn’t hurt my feelings.

Most of all, it is very encouraging to know that God really can use all things for good, as he says.

Different People Have Different Views of God

In my morning readings I came across the following commentary, which reflected something I’ve been thinking about quite a bit lately.  I started a google buzz about it, but then realized it’d make a good blog article too.  So here goes:

God’s revelation of Himself is suited to men’s spiritual capacity. Different souls get different views of God.

I. THIS IS TRUE OF GOD’S DEALINGS.

1. They appear different to different eyes:

Visit two homes, perhaps in the same street, in which there is similar trouble—sickness, or bereavement, or failure in business, or sore poverty. In one, all is gloom, repining, comfortless perplexity. In the other, there is light in the darkness, a rainbow on the storm.

To one sufferer God’s ways are hard, dark, mysterious; he is even ready to think them unjust. The other says, “I could not bear it in my own strength, but the Lord stands by me and strengthens me. God’s will must be right. He cannot make mistakes or be unfaithful. He is my Refuge and Strength.” So with God’s government of the world and general providence. One mind fastens on the pain, sorrow, calamity, which every hour records—pestilence, earthquake, tempest, and so forth. Another sees that the universal design and general working of all natural laws is for good and happiness, not evil; that the main part of human suffering has its root in sin; that “the earth is full of the goodness of the Lord;” and trusts God for the rest.

2. God’s dealings not only appear different; they are and must be different, according to the temper and attitude of our souls. To the soul that bows under God’s hand, trusts his Word, clings closer to him in trial, it is “chastening”—full of mercy, rich in result (Heb. 12:6, etc.). The proud, stubborn heart, that resents and rebels against affliction, is hardened by it, like Pharaoh.

This reminds me of something I’ve said about my brother and my perception of our parents… sometimes he’ll talk about them and it’s like we had different parents, ’cause the one’s he’s talkin’ about don’t resemble the parents I remember.

The commentary goes on… this is so true:

II. IT IS SO WITH GOD’S WORD.

Come to the Scriptures in a cavilling (means “make petty”), critical, hostile spirit, and they will teem with difficulties. Read them carelessly, scornfully; they will be dull and lifeless. Search them, with an earnest desire to know the truth, with prayer for the Holy Spirit’s teaching, with candour and humility; they will “talk with thee” (Prov. 6:22), and unfold their secrets. Thou shalt hear God’s own voice speaking to thy soul; and find what the Thessalonians found (1 Thess. 2:13).

That’s so true in my life… I get so much more out of reading scripture now that I’m not constantly looking to “prove it wrong” or out of a spirit that seeks to justify the bitterness I’ve always held towards it.

III. SO IT WAS WITH OUR LORD JESUS.

Isaiah’s prediction was fulfilled (Isa. 53:2, 3). Scrupulously religious persons, but blinded by self-righteousness, could no more see his glory than sceptics, hypocrites, or scoffing triflers (Matt. 13:14, 15). But his disciples—those who first believed on him, and then lived in close converse with him—could say, “We beheld his glory” (John 1:14).

CONCLUSION: So it is to-day:

This is a universal law—What God is to you—what Christ is to you, shows what you are, and determines what you shall be. The gospel is an open secret, but still a secret, from proud, worldly hearts. The physician is for those who are sick and know it. The Saviour is for sinners who feel themselves sinners. The living water will not flow into a vessel turned upside down. Heaven itself would be no heaven to a heart full of love of the world, of self, of sin, and void of love to God.

Sometimes when I’m in conversations with atheists I realize I’m just spinning my wheels – I remember my own mindset back in my “there is no God” porn-producing days.  Nothing anybody said could truly “get through” to me.  It was only after a group of people showed the love of God incarnate over the course of four years, and that love broke down my anger and bitterness, that I was able to “see”.

Isn’t it fascinating how deeply personal this walk with God is for each of us?  Don’t you think it’s important that we share our journeys with each other, thereby enriching our lives – bringing deeper shades of color to all of us?  I do.

For the record – the commentary used is: The Pulpit Commentary: Psalms Vol. I. 2004 (H. D. M. Spence-Jones, Ed.) (121–122). Bellingham, WA: Logos Research Systems, Inc.

Dear @JohnCMayer – Re: Producing Porn

Dear Mr. Mayer,

Do you mind if I call you John?  I know we’ve never met, it’s just that you seem like the type who’d rather be called “John” than “Mr. Mayer”.  We’re not friends, but I really dig your music.  In fact, I listened to your latest album, Battle Studies, twice on my flight back to California from the East Coast yesterday.  Right now I’m listening to a “John Mayer” mix on iTunes while I write this at my favorite coffee shop.

John Mayer can be found on Twitter: @JohnCMayer

I read part of the interview you did with Playboy.  I’m not gonna say anything at all about the racial stuff – besides, you’ve recanted all that, and I respect you for doing so.  I’ll keep buying every album you release, as I’ve done in the past.  I hope what I write here actually helps you, John – and I think it’s very possible the words that follow can do just that.

I want to discuss the part where you said you’d like to produce pornography.  I know a bit about this:  I was a porn producer for 9 years.  In fact, Playboy was one of my clients.  I produced for their ICS department and also traveled the country for a bit as part of the team recruiting for Special Editions.  One of the girls I’ve photographed even made Miss February in the main magazine, and another of my first timers was featured as well, but I don’t remember which month anymore.  I could go ask, I suppose, as she owns a business less than two miles from where I sit right now.  But that really doesn’t matter.  You said in that same interview that you probably see 300 vaginas a day while looking at porn before satisfying yourself.  That being the case, you’ve undoubtedly run across my work at some point:  I released more than 2 million pornographic photographs and hours of video footage into the world during my career. Since porn’s such a strong interest, you may have seen the debate I participated in at Yale University with Ron Jeremy, Monique Alexander and Craig Gross when it aired on Nightline ABC (click the link and scroll down to where it says “Nightline Face-Off: America Addicted to Porn?“).

That brings me to what I wanted to share with you: What is it like to produce porn? You might notice from my website title that I’m now a Christian.  I have no idea how you feel about that, but just in case you don’t look favorably on such things I’ll try to keep the Jesus stuff out of this.  Let’s just have a conversation about what goes on behind the scenes in porn world.  With or without “Jesus Stuff”, I think I can share a few things with you that you’ve never before considered… and that’s my goal: to educate.  Who knows, you might even read something that will free up your time a bit.  Porn just might not seem so attractive if you finish reading this article.

John, don’t get me wrong… I definitely had some fun times producing porn.  The money was good, the freedom was great, most of the people I knew in the business were fun to party with, and even being the overweight opposite-of-eye-candy that I am, I slept with more than my share of models.  But, honestly, the naked girls part got old very quickly.  Sex related work does weird things to people, John.  I watched college girls come through my doors with bright eyes, then watched that light fade over the coming weeks.  It’s kinda like seeing someone die inside.  I dunno about you, but I didn’t find that very sexy.

I definitely want to share more on how porn affects the girls involved as actresses, but first, let’s remove some of the glamour of producing from a different angle.  I need to caution some of my readers that I’m about to copy and paste something I wrote on this blog back on March 5th, 2005, when I was still producing porn.  I’m not gonna censor the language I used , as I’m tempted to do in order to prevent my current audience from being offended.  This is a letter from me to you, John, so I’m just gonna say what I need to say by copying/pasting what I wrote back then:

When mentioning my profession to other males the response is almost always the same:

“Man, you have the perfect job!”

Or something similar. But the truth of the matter is that it’s a lot more work than you might think. And then there are the shitty assholes. By “shitty assholes” I’m being 100% literal.

On more than one occasion I’ve had a model come over for a shoot. I’ll start photographing her only to discover that her asshole is covered with shit . Seriously!

A specific example comes to mind: I noticed a smell in the room when photographing one particular model. I continued the shoot anyway. When I transferred the photos from my compact flash card (I shoot with digital SLRs: Nikon D1x, Fuji S2 Pro, Nikon D100) and looked at them on the computer I noticed that there was shit all over the model’s ass. I couldn’t fucking believe it! I don’t know why the hell a girl would come over to my house to pose naked and forget to clean her ass.

Which brings me to the subject of toilet paper…

Does anyone ever stop to think that moisture is usually necessary for proper cleaning? I mean, think about it… would you clean up oil with a dry towel? Why would you clean your ass with dry toilet paper? If you really want to be clean, invest in some flushable baby wipes! I have some sitting on the back of the toilet in every bathroom in my house.

That doesn’t sound very glamorous, does it John? But that’s not the part that I really want you to know about.  The biggest deterrent to producing porn is watching what happens in the lives of those who act in it.  I’ve shared my story with more than 4 million people now.  One of the things I’m often asked is whether or not I’m attracted to porn anymore.  I usually respond to that question with a few of my own.  You ready?  Here they are, John:

What’s attractive about a model curled up in the fetal position in a corner between takes, sucking her thumb because her mind is so blown by what she’s just done to herself?   Do the porn companies share, in the credits, a line similar to this one:  ”this girl had to have surgery to repair the damage done to her body by the scene you just found so enticing”?   Of course not!  That’s just not sexy, is it John?  Nobody’d be spankin’ their monkey if stuff like that was thrown on screen, would they?

Lots of my former models are dreamin’ with broken hearts now, John. And the wakin’ up?  That’s the hardest part for sure… because every morning when she does wake up, the stuff she shot for me is still there, as it will be for life.  It isn’t ever, ever, ever going away.  When she’s old and grey, when she has grandkids running around the house, that content is still going to be out there circulating somewhere, John.

Don’t get me wrong… I’m ALL FOR free speech.  But just because we HAVE freedom to do something doesn’t mean that we HAVE TO DO IT or that it’s a GOOD IDEA to do so.

Funny thing, John… I just took off my Beats by Dr Dre headphones, through which I was listening to my John Mayer iTunes playlist, only to hear you playing over the radio here at the coffee shop.  We love your music, man.

Here on my website I’ve shared with my readers a few stories about some of the things these girls have gone through.  You can find them by scrolling through the porn stories category.  But be warned, my friend… they just might remove some of the fantasy of pornography and replace it with a little un-sexy reality.  I don’t know about you, but if I was looking at some photos or solo-video of the very attractive girl who wrote this email to me it might be a little bit harder to masturbate to those things knowing that, in her words, she is now “freakin suicidal!!! freakin sick over this….throwing up, cannot sleep at all…” It just doesn’t seem as sexy as it used to be when she tells me that (pasting her words again) “I know I did those pics and yes it was my fault, I want to get them OFF the internet. Is there anyway possible to do that ASAP? I will pay you the money back, whatever it takes. This will and is ruining my life.”

When I received a round of emails and phone calls from a beautiful girl who was begging me, in tears while sobbing so hard I could barely understand her, to get her content off the Internet as it had ruined the relationship she had with her father… that wasn’t a very lust-inducing experience either.  See, what happened in her case was this:  daddy was leaving his office with his buddies.  They were planning to go grab a beer together.  But when daddy and his buddies got to his car it was covered with photos of his daughter in various explicit poses.  Dad was rather humiliated, John.  He was instantly ashamed of his little girl.  When he shared this incident with her, she was rather ashamed herself.  I shot the photos that ended up on daddy’s car, and when I did so it didn’t cross my mind that she wasn’t someone to visualize while chokin’ the chicken – that she was actually somebody’s baby girl, somebody’s future wife, somebody’s sister… a beautiful person who was born to be loved, not lusted over by millions of men.

In the past three and a half years I’ve attempted to apologize to former models/actresses I recruited into the business.  When I tried to befriend one on myspace I received this email as her response:

“Hello Donny,

I’m sorry, but I can’t be your friend.  People found out about the pictures I did and I came really close to killing myself over it.  I need to forget about it and move on.  That does not mean I blame you or anything, but that does mean I have to cut ties involving it, and that does involve you.  You’re more than welcome to write me, etc… I just can’t have you on my friends list.  I’m very sorry and hope you understand.”

Let me tell you, John… I’d fantasized for months about that girl following the photo shoots I had with her way back in my early porn producing days.  She really got me going.  But hearing that she, too, almost killed herself over PICTURES?  Knowing that, a person would have to be rather emotionless to be able to still look at those photos and be aroused by them.

Are you picking up what I’m laying down, John?  Producing porn pretty much killed my sex drive DEAD, John.  Between me and you, I’m kind of afraid that when I’m finally married again I’ll be so screwed up in the head over what I’ve witnessed that my sex life with my wife will suffer.  I’ve spoken to counselors about that, actually.  I’ve seen how fake porn is, my friend, and after shooting it for so long I can’t seem to help associating anything sexual with it.  That shouldn’t be the case, John:  God created sex to be beautiful and fun, and He had reasons for asking us to confine it to committed relationships – I swear to you, He didn’t ask that of us in order to take our fun away or so He’d have a reason to send us to hell if we didn’t follow His plan.  It was more like this:  ”I know how you’re wired.  Wouldn’t it be better if you didn’t have other people in your head when you’re making love to your wife?  Wouldn’t it be better if you didn’t have to worry about who was in your her head when she’s with you?  You can do whatever you want, but I wish you’d trust me.  I really do want the best for you.”

The reality of what porn has done to real-life people isn’t pretty.  No amount of justification removes what I’ve seen.  It doesn’t matter how often people say things like, “they were adults making their own adult decisions” and “well, if our puritanical society didn’t make such a big deal out of sex this sort of thing wouldn’t happen!”  Those words are so shallow and meaningless after seeing so many lives personally affected.  There is a letter in the Bible where Paul writes to the people of Corinth that sexual things affected us on a deeper level than anything else.  John, I believe Paul on that one.  I have personal experience that gives evidence he’s right.  From my model Karma, who has a baby who will never know his father (because men decided to rape here while she was passed out at a party – after all, she’s a “porn star” so why not take what they want, right?) to the girl who called me in humiliated tears after going to her college campus one day only to find photos of herself stapled on trees all across campus, I have seen the fallout from sexual “sin”.  It makes me ashamed to be a man sometimes, John.  Indeed, the female body is a wonderland, my friend, and so many of us use our hands… and lose our heads and hearts… over it.

Trust me, John… you don’t want to produce porn.  You don’t want to be responsible for devastating lives.  And no matter how good your intentions might be, that’s exactly what you’d be doing.

DOWNLOAD THIS MP3: Donny Pauling speaking at Pocono Community Church in Pocono, Pennsylvania – Pastor David Crosby introduces me at the 12 minute mark.

Why I’m Loving the Bible

Growing up, and throughout my adult years up until just a few years ago, I often saw the Bible as a boring book.  When God changed my life in September of 2006 I still held that feeling, especially when it came to The Old Testament.

But I started attending Neighborhood Church in Redding, California, and that has made all the difference…

Bill Giovannetti is the Lead Pastor at NCRedding, and he often uses passages from the Old Testament in his sermons.  And the sermons hold my attention.  Seriously, if I hadn’t said that myself I’d be inclined not to believe it.  The Old Testament not boring?  “Whatchu talkin’ ’bout, Willis?”

Bill has become one of my best friends.  We meet regularly and chat about life, liberty, and the pursuit of… whatever we’re pursuing at the time.  When I told Bill, a few years ago, that I thought the Bible was poorly written and somewhat childish, Bill told me he thought I was wrong, loved the Bible, and thought it was beautifully written.  Thing is, I have a bullshit detector built in, and it wasn’t going off when he told me that.  He meant it.

Author Donald Miller wrote, “Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way.”  Don’s on to something there… because Bill’s obvious love for the Bible ignited a curiosity within me.  Bill has a doctorate degree.  In addition to being a Pastor, he’s a Professor at the local University.  Early in our friendship, when the aforementioned conversation took place, I needed to know why this intelligent man said such things about the Bible.  I needed to know why I could look him in the eye and tell he wasn’t just spewing out Christianese when he claimed to love it.

In Bill’s sermons, he takes us to the time and place being discussed.  We who listen to him speak hear context.  We learn about the culture of the people.  We are given an insight as to what the text meant to them… how they understood it.  I wanted to know how Bill knew these things, so I asked (that desire for knowledge is actually what led me to the place where I told Craig Gross from XXXChurch that I wanted to enroll in Seminary – which Craig responded to by telling me X3′s Esther Fund would pay for it).  I’ve been learning how to study the Bible, and I have to tell you… I get so much more out of it when digging into context and culture than by just reading the words.   I’ve read through the New Testament four times so far and I get something new out of it each time.

On a side note here, I’d like to recommend the following book to anyone who has the same desire “to know” burning inside of them: How to Read the Bible for All Its Worth – notice the word Its doesn’t contain an apostrophe… that’s because it doesn’t mean “for all IT IS worth”, it means “for all the worth it contains within”.

In the second half of 2009 I picked up the Scholar’s Library: Gold software package from Logos.com.  There are literally thousands of resources available within that package.  It makes a computer nerd like me very happy to be able to study from the comforts of my easy chair with my laptop warming the tops of my legs.  I read three chapters a day and try to do so in the morning before doing anything else.  Currently, I’m working through an Old Testament reading plan from YouVersion.com.  I start by reading an entire chapter.  Once finished with reading the text through, I open up a few different commentaries and read what they have to say.  Then I browse other miscellaneous resources that come with the software.  I’m always learning something interesting.  One recent example: it’s thought that Joshua was a skilled military leader long before taking over for Moses, and likely led the Egyptian army in battles.  Maybe it’s my inner nerd, but I find things like that fascinating.  It paints a more colorful picture when I read about his conquests leading Israel.

“Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way.” Indeed, Mr. Miller, indeed.  And so by watching a man love the Bible, and trying to figure out WHY he loves it,  I too have discovered a love for the Bible.  Sometimes I’m frustrated that I can’t find the words to express this properly.  All I can say is, dig into it, and see for yourself.

—

Question for the Day:  What do you think about the Bible? Be honest.

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This morning I was reading through Joshua 5 and 6.  Earlier today on Google Buzz I wrote the following:

Donny Pauling - Buzz - Public

When Joshua was trying to figure out how to take the walled city of Jericho without possessing the weapons necessary to do so he was very troubled. He couldn’t figure it out. As the leader, it was his job to do so. But as he was pacing around fretting what he was gonna do he ran into God and was basically told, “Hey, this is my battle. Don’t worry about it. I’m leading this charge. You’re just a soldier following orders here. Let your mind rest ’cause I’ve got this covered.” What a relief, huh? Joshua didn’t need to bear the heavy burden and responsibility of leadership alone.

Sometimes I forget that life’s problems are taken care of. I can just be a dependent, rather than needing to worry about things I can’t change…

Donny Pauling - What a thought:

An army is being led into battle. Joshua, as leader, would normally shoulder the responsibilities. But not this time. God made it clear the He was leading the charge. Joshua was standing behind Him this time, not having to carry the weight of the world.

Lead, God. Lead. You’re the General in Charge. Take charge of my life…I’ll just listen for your commands.

I got a whole lot out of today’s readings, which also included chapters from Psalms and Genesis… those thoughts are just a few I pondered.  Studying the Bible each day just sets a tone for the day, know what I mean?

A Mother Asks for Help

I received an email from a mother asking for help for her 14 year old son’s pornography problem.  Because this is a common issue I decided to post it here on my blog.  Here are a few of the lines she wrote:

I have a 14 yr old son who got involved in pornography online and I’m not sure what to do. We’ve spoken to him and pray for him and banned him from using the internet… I’m disturbed because I don’t want him getting hooked for life… Is there anything I should do or say that will be of help? Are there resources for ‘weaning’ a child off pornography? Please help a desperate mother.

This blog article is my response to her.

Dear Desperate Mother,

I’m definitely not a counselor, so please keep that in mind while reading my words.  I’m just a guy who produced porn for awhile, and because people find that interesting I’ve been fortunate enough to have the opportunity to share what God has done in my life.  Nevertheless, I’m not unlike any other sinner that has been saved by grace, and therefore my words don’t have any more authority than those of other Christians in your life.

Most people have a circle of friends with whom they discuss life issues.  In my life, I rely heavily on my Pastor and even more-so on my son’s mother, to whom I was married before my sin tore our family apart.  We remain good friends despite all of that, which is in itself a testament to the amazing woman of God she is…  She’s had to deal with so much, and the way she’s done so has birthed some incredible wisdom. Sometimes we discuss emails I receive where the sender shares how pornography has ripped apart his or her life.  She always tells me to focus on the root of the problem, rather than treating the symptoms. And she is so right.  Realizing this, I’ve spent a lot of time asking God just what the root of the problem actually is, and how best to deal with it.  I’ve come to see that the root of the porn problem is the same as the root of all of life’s moral problems.

So… I’ll simply share with you how I deal with my own problems, and hopefully something that is said will help.

I’ve noticed that when a person begins a romantic relationship with another, many things in their life just… change.  Especially at the beginning when all is new. When love strikes, a man gets all giddy and sees colors more brilliantly than ever before. Because he  wants to present a better package, the woman doesn’t have to ask him to change certain things, he just does so to please her.  He tries to avoid things that displease her.

I’ve noticed the same thing to be true with those who fall in love with God.

I was raised in churches where God was a list of rules.  He was the definition of what I could do and what I could not do.  To make God happy, I had to be holy.  To be holy, I had to DO things I found myself incapable of doing.  I had to be someone I was not capable of being.  There were rules I always failed at following.  Since I couldn’t live up to the rules, I began to grow bitter.  Watching those preaching the rules fail to follow them themselves birthed  more bitterness and even a burning hatred. The Christian life seemed impossible to follow, even for those who were supposed to be “leaders”.  Why bother?

At no time did I ever see God as someone I could fall in love with.  At no time did I see Him as someone with whom I could have a relationship with.

Those last two sentences?  They reveal the root problem with porn and any other issue we deal with.  We either don’t really believe we can have a relationship with God, or we choose not to pursue one.

As a man, I’ve had issues “falling in love” with a male figure.  I’ve had to realize that when God created mankind in His image, that included all feminine aspects as well.  So… I’ve chosen to view the Holy Spirit as a representative of God’s “feminine” side.  After all, Jesus described the Holy Spirit as a “comforter”, and blaspheming the Holy Spirit is unforgivable, right?  Sounds to me like God sticking up for His woman!  (Legalists, please don’t bother emailing me complaints about that – I wrote with a smile on my face and am not seriously making any claims as to gender of any parts of the Godhead).  Embracing the fact that feminine aspects are incorporated within God has helped me fall in love.  Like any relationship, the more time spent together, the deeper love becomes.

The more I immerse myself in God’s love, the more I realize the REASONS He asks us to do certain things.  He doesn’t, for example, ask us to put sex off until marriage because He wants to take away our fun or because He needs an excuse to send us to hell.  He does so because He knows how we’re wired.  He created us, after all.  He knows the bonds we create when we are sexually intimate.  He knows the way sex affects us.  He says to us, “I just wish you’d trust me.  I have something special for you.  Wouldn’t it be better if the wife I have for you never has to wonder if others before her were ‘better’ in your eyes?  Wouldn’t you rather not have to wonder if men in her past are still in her head?  You can do whatever you wish – I’ve given you free will – but I wish you’d choose to trust me.  I do know what’s best for you.”

The same concepts are true when it comes to pornography.  ”Sin” is the opposite of God’s perfect plan for our lives, and pornography is definitely not something that will benefit your son’s future relationships.  He’s 14 years old and he might not yet respond to the picture falling in love with God.  But I’m sure he’s encountered thoughts of romance.  I’m sure, if I asked him, he’d say that if he had a woman in his life he’d fight for her.  That’s just what a man does for his woman, right?  So I’d challenge him with this:  ”How romantic would it be if, in three years when you meet the woman of your dreams, you can tell her, ‘I’ve been fighting the hardest battle of my life for you, and I didn’t even know you yet.’?”  Every man needs a battle to fight, your son is no exception.

And dear mother:  tell him who he is… ’cause that’s who he’ll become. Tell him what an amazing man of God he is.  Tell him what an amazing husband he is going to make.  Tell him that you’re confident he can fight for his future bride by keeping himself mentally pure.  Tell him… who he is.

I want my son to know that if I’ve presented to him a God that is merely a list of rules,  I’m incredibly wrong.  In a book I love the author wrote, “Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way.“ That is so true.  So if  I want my son to fall in love with God I need to show him how to do so.  The more time I spend with God, the less my desires are to pursue sinful activities… because when we humans truly love someone we don’t want to hurt them.  When we love someone, and spend lots of time with them, we learn to trust.

For me, spending time with God just makes me feel better.  The mean person I normally am becomes a nice person.  Life is just easier.  When lust arises, I remember that the object of my lust is God’s daughter, and I need to respect Him, and her, by not thinking those thoughts about her.  He means her to be someone’s wife, and what I’m making of her in my head is not for me to have.  I also know that I can trust His plans for me… this includes my sexual future.  So I go to Him and reveal all of the thoughts I’ve had.  In detail.  Because He already knows anyway, and shedding light on the problem takes the power out of it.

At one place I spoke, a young man shared something powerful with me that I’ve placed into practice in my own life.  He told me that he has counseling sessions with God.  He sits God down in a chair opposite him and tells Him explicit details of thoughts he’s had.  Who the girl was, what he wanted to do with her, how he wanted to do it, etc.  God already knows anyway, but being so blatant with Him creates an intimacy over time.  He is a trusted friend, rather than someone from whom our sins must be hidden (impossible to do anyway, right?).  The more that trust builds, the less we want to share a bad “report” when the next counseling session time arrives.

As his mother, you obviously want what’s best for him but your son is going to make his own decisions. So ultimately, there’s not really much you can DO other than to tell him who he is.  He’s a man of God.  A powerful man of God.  An amazing “catch” for his future bride, for whom you know he will fight to keep pure.

And should he fall to temptation of porn, do you know what to tell him?  How about this:  He’s a man of God.  A powerful man of God.  An amazing “catch” for his future bride, for whom you know he will fight to keep pure.

And should he fall AGAIN to temptation of porn, do you know what to tell him?  How about this:  He’s a man of God.  A powerful man of God.  An amazing “catch” for his future bride, for whom you know he will fight to keep pure.

That’s all I’ve got.  Hope it helps.

When I Let It Hit Me, Folks, This Is Gonna Be Incredibly Hard

In response to a comment left on Craig Gross‘ Facebook page by Michelle Truax, one of the key players on the XXXChurch Team, I just wrote:

I have decided not to deal with it right now. I’ve laughed today, read books, talked to Ted Haggard a few times, talked to my Pastor about the book we’re writing together… but I have pushed this out of my mind ’cause I do not know how to deal with it. Anybody who has met Steve cannot help but like, even love, him. I don’t want to accept this yet. I have a feeling it’s gonna hit hard in a few days.

Truth is, the most horrible thing that has happened in my life since I gave it to God happened yesterday, but I learned of it this morning.  If you follow me on Twitter you’d never know it.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I don’t wanna freakin’ deal with this.  One of the speakers on the XXXChurch team ended his own life yesterday, and I don’t know how to handle it.  His name is Steve Glisan.  You can watch his story by clicking here.  I loved Steve, but I never told him so.

I first met Steve at a Porn and Pancakes event in Colorado.  Because of the places it took him, his porn addiction resulted in a loss of his wife and three kids.  After years apart, he found help and his marriage was restored.  That, my friends, is why he spoke for XXXChurch.  The story of Steve and Ann Glisan was powerful.

I’m told he recently gave in to temptation and slipped up again… that he decided to handle the guilt by removing himself from this planet.  After all the heartache his family went through before, I cannot understand this decision.  Surely he had to know this was the worst possible choice?  I guess not.  Steve, who regularly blogged for XXXChurch under the name Steve G, is gone.  I am so angry with him, yet so sad at the same time.  I am not good handling this sort of thing.  I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know what to say.  I feel freakin’ useless.  There is nothing I can say to ease the pain his family must feel.  There is nothing I can say or do to deal with the way I feel, either.