Donny's Ramblings

Emotional Roller Coaster, a Healed Ear and a 45lbs Lighter Donny

32 Comments

I started writing this on April 3rd, 11 days ago. I wrote most of it, saved it as a draft, and haven’t returned to finish it. Today I intend to do so.

Before becoming a Christian, I’d never seriously considered ending my life.

Ever.

Ever ever ever.

So after surrendering my life to God… after He begins doing amazing, powerful, profound things for me… after having real encounters with the Creator of the Universe… why is it that after all of that I arrived at a place where I seriously wished to die?

This happened just a few days short of a month ago. John says I played it down when I very briefly mentioned it in my “Dear Daphne” letter. He says I did so because I’m afraid that if I tell the truth people won’t like me as much. People might stop reading my blog. People might think I’m not really a Christian. People might think I’m crazy and, as such, might not want to listen to me speak.

John is very blunt. I love him. He’s my best friend and he knows me pretty damned well. He calls it like he sees it and trusts me enough to know I won’t be offended when he does so. He knows I respect that about him.

And really, what is there to be afraid of? I discuss everything here, and because of that I’ve received dozens of emails thanking me for being transparent. Telling me that this blog speaks into the lives of many.

I feel that’s what I’m supposed to do here. I feel that very strongly.

So now I’m going to tell you about the emotional roller coaster I was riding.

It felt like the world came crashing down on March 16th.

On that day:

– I’d just settled in to a new place to live after the bank took my house. The new place isn’t nearly as comfortable as what I’ve been used to, and having two roommates takes a bit of adjustment, especially when you have to share a bathroom with one of them.

– That afternoon Wendy let me know that there’s no hope for reconciliation on any sort of romantic level, and when I heard her reasons for feeling that way I knew she was serious.

I had to face a very serious issue from my past that I’ve been trying to forget.

– I was still upset that, the day before, a man from the adult industry… a man I used to consider a good friend… publicly posted the following message to me, where hundreds if not thousands of people could read it:

If you think you are some reborn Christian, you have lost it. Seriously, I anticipate the day I hear/read about you offing yourself, and I will state now that not only does it not surprise me, but it doesn’t sadden me either. You have inner demons that must be cast out, and at the rate you are going, death is the only thing that will help that along.

– Feelings of rejection (Belinda) begun raising up inside, once again (sometimes I still can’t wrap my mind around how someone can move on so quickly after 6 years of being together – deep inside I know it was my fault, but that doesn’t always satisfy my questions).

– My counselor was out of town.

– My dad, too, was out of town: on vacation for the entire month.

I started thinking, “Lloyd’s right. I should do the world a favor and take myself out.”

I don’t want to discuss the full details of that day because, looking back, I am very embarrassed to have felt that way at all. But I will tell you what kept me from parking my running car in a garage at my former residence, where my garage door opener still works, and listening to music until I went to sleep: I ended up making a call for help. That call brought me down to earth enough that I deciding to check myself into a mental hospital instead of doing something really stupid.

The hospital turned me away. It was after normal admissions hours.  I was informed that in order to be admitted I’d need to go to the emergency room of a regular local hospital and ask for a counselor to be sent.

On the way to the ER I became angry and asked myself what the hell I was doing. Why was I being so stupid? It turned out not to be necessary to check in. Simply attempting to admit myself made something change inside of me, so instead of going to the ER, I went directly to the church for Friday night service…

where God healed my ear. It had been hurting pretty badly for several days. During the service, a man whose name I don’t know started praying for it. Less than 10 seconds into his prayer I started hearing popping noises, the pain went away, and it hasn’t returned.

How can one continue wallowing in self pity after God heals their ear?

God, that was a really good way to refocus my mind back onto you. Thank you for that.

The next day I read Donald Miller’s To Own a Dragon. I was very embarrassed about how I’d felt the day before. How could I have allowed such thoughts to enter my brain?

I was feeling normal again.

For a few days.

The beautiful conversations I’d been having with Wendy were over. There’s nothing more intimate than connecting with words and being on the same page. But that intimacy had to stop.

Once again, I started feeling like I had nobody who truly cared. I bought into that lie. I didn’t sink again to a level where I wanted to die, but I sure was feeling sorry for myself. Today I can’t even remember why.

Because of all of this I realized I was giving myself way too much free time to ponder things that don’t need to be pondered. I immersed myself in work, which is why this blog hasn’t been updated as regularly as I’d like. Dealer Web Concepts, the business I started to help auto dealers with their internet marketing needs, now services 7 auto dealerships in 4 towns. I had to drop one client due to a conflict of interest with another. That turned out to be a good thing, however, because I have no idea where I’d find the time to service them.

Is now a good time to take a break and mention that I’ve lost 45 lbs? I haven’t been at this weight for almost 6 years. Not long ago I read a comment made on an internet message board by Belinda’s new boyfriend, alluding to him wanting to be “the bigger man” and I couldn’t help but snicker a little. Because now he literally IS the bigger man. But I digress.

Dear God, you’ve allowed me to work past my hatred of Mark to the point where it no longer exists, now please help me lose the residual bitterness as well.

Besides immersing myself in work, I’ve begun attending more home groups. Surrounding myself with like minded people works wonders. When I was growing up, the churches I attended never had small groups. Are these a relatively new creation or were we just clueless? Home groups are amazing! And the churches I associate with have so many to choose from! I attend a Singles group, a Single Parents group, a Christian Sportsman group and another group that wouldn’t quite fit into any particular category.

Feelings of being “alone” no longer exist.

As a Christian I’m still an infant, but I’m loving every experience, good and bad. I’m so far from perfect it’s not even funny. Thank God for Romans 7 verse 17-25. I’ve used those scriptures to help lead others to surrendering their life to God, but I personally find a lot of strength to stand back up each time I fall down.

Here’s Paul, the man who wrote the majority of the New Testament upon which literally BILLIONS of people have lived their lives, talking about his personal struggles. Not struggles he USED TO HAVE, but struggles he faced as a Christian, all the time. “The Message” translation says it best:

But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help!

I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it.

I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway.

My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up.

I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?

The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

As Rob Bell talks about in the first of his Nooma videos, so many people think being a Christian means you have to have your life in perfect order. But Jesus himself said he didn’t come for those who have it all together. He came for the sick.

Thank God for that.

32 thoughts on “Emotional Roller Coaster, a Healed Ear and a 45lbs Lighter Donny

  1. Thousands of innocent children are suffering of terminal cancer right now. Instead of healing them. God healed Donny’s ear.

  2. Thousands of innocent children are suffering of terminal cancer right now. Instead of healing them. God healed Donny’s ear.

  3. Hey Donny, u’re not alone,when my wife of 12 years left me 4 the dope bag & a 20 year old,i felt so thrown ayay& rejected,just blown away,thinking how can some one who said 4 better or worse 4 good times & bad 4 the rest of my days move on so fast?,i had 2 start over,none of our old friends calld or came over to visit me,I was alone, I was a christian,yet severely depressed & loneley & if it wern’t 4 my kids i’d have probably offed myself,i’m still single 2day,but the Lord has changed my heart,& just want u to know several great men of God have been depressed & even suisidial Elija, after defeating 450 false prophets @ mt.carmal is fleeing from jezebell,sat down under a juniper tree & prayed that he might die,It’s enough now Lord take my life 4 i’m no better than my fathers(paraphrased),buisness deals fall thru,people change,spouses give up,but God will never leave us nor forsake us,not even 2 the ends of the earth!,be faithful in God & he’ll satisfy your life with good things bro. -Sean

  4. Hey Donny, u’re not alone,when my wife of 12 years left me 4 the dope bag & a 20 year old,i felt so thrown ayay& rejected,just blown away,thinking how can some one who said 4 better or worse 4 good times & bad 4 the rest of my days move on so fast?,i had 2 start over,none of our old friends calld or came over to visit me,I was alone, I was a christian,yet severely depressed & loneley & if it wern’t 4 my kids i’d have probably offed myself,i’m still single 2day,but the Lord has changed my heart,& just want u to know several great men of God have been depressed & even suisidial Elija, after defeating 450 false prophets @ mt.carmal is fleeing from jezebell,sat down under a juniper tree & prayed that he might die,It’s enough now Lord take my life 4 i’m no better than my fathers(paraphrased),buisness deals fall thru,people change,spouses give up,but God will never leave us nor forsake us,not even 2 the ends of the earth!,be faithful in God & he’ll satisfy your life with good things bro. -Sean

  5. (((((Donny))))) I don’t have time to write a lot right now, let me just say- SPIRITUAL WARFARE is real- and the heart of spiritual warfare is WORSHIP. You are loved!!!!!!!!!

  6. (((((Donny))))) I don’t have time to write a lot right now, let me just say- SPIRITUAL WARFARE is real- and the heart of spiritual warfare is WORSHIP. You are loved!!!!!!!!!

  7. Isn’t it amazing how God will send someone or do something to totally help us out? I had a situation a few weeks ago where I had been on an emotional roller coaster for several weeks. One day I would be miserable, the next day I might be fine but I was fully expecting to be miserable at any moment. Finally a friend talked to me one night (this was by no means the first friend to talk to me, it wasn’t even the first friend that talked to me that evening) and she was able to totally clear up what was going on in my mind to where I have been like my normal self ever since.

    And to comment off of what John said, God doesn’t give cancer to those kids. If there is nobody praying for those kids that could be a reason why Donny’s ear get healed and they don’t.

  8. Isn’t it amazing how God will send someone or do something to totally help us out? I had a situation a few weeks ago where I had been on an emotional roller coaster for several weeks. One day I would be miserable, the next day I might be fine but I was fully expecting to be miserable at any moment. Finally a friend talked to me one night (this was by no means the first friend to talk to me, it wasn’t even the first friend that talked to me that evening) and she was able to totally clear up what was going on in my mind to where I have been like my normal self ever since.

    And to comment off of what John said, God doesn’t give cancer to those kids. If there is nobody praying for those kids that could be a reason why Donny’s ear get healed and they don’t.

  9. Struggles are a part of any life. We all face the fire. May we choose the refiner’s fire, rather than the destructive fires of our own making. I’m glad to see you posting again. I for one appreciate the choices and the progress you have made over these last few months. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

  10. Struggles are a part of any life. We all face the fire. May we choose the refiner’s fire, rather than the destructive fires of our own making. I’m glad to see you posting again. I for one appreciate the choices and the progress you have made over these last few months. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

  11. Donny, seriously check out Tony Robbins’ Personal Power CDs or any of his books. They will help more than church

  12. Donny, seriously check out Tony Robbins’ Personal Power CDs or any of his books. They will help more than church

  13. Years ago I read the Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis and there was one truth that sticks with me to this day: Satan’s plan A is to make sure you never become a Christian. Once that happens, he switches to Plan B, which is to steal your joy and your victory and make it so that the only impact you have on the world is negative. You’ve got a lot of baggage you will be sorting through for some time (does it ever end? maybe for some, but not for most of us) but I am confident that if you press on an even-keeled maturity will develop. Hang in there.

    P.S. If God can change YOUR heart, he sure as hell can change Wendy’s…

  14. Years ago I read the Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis and there was one truth that sticks with me to this day: Satan’s plan A is to make sure you never become a Christian. Once that happens, he switches to Plan B, which is to steal your joy and your victory and make it so that the only impact you have on the world is negative. You’ve got a lot of baggage you will be sorting through for some time (does it ever end? maybe for some, but not for most of us) but I am confident that if you press on an even-keeled maturity will develop. Hang in there.

    P.S. If God can change YOUR heart, he sure as hell can change Wendy’s…

  15. Dear Donny,
    Great come back after your bout with the suicide feelings…especially as a Christian.
    The irony of it all. What comes to mind is this. Satan teased Eve in the garden by telling her that if she ate, she’d be like God. Ironically, in Christianity, we are told that we should be like Christ, to be Godly, etc. So is there a contradiction? Perhaps in the Hebrew, what Satan meant was “Be God” (can’t confirm that now, though). Anyway, my point is that just like that similar scenario, in Christ we are told that we must die to self, be crucified with Christ, etc. and everything about dying.

    From a personal example: once going through a battle with bondage in a relationship, I remember crying out in front of the person, “I wish I could die”, and quickly, they yelled back, don’t talk like that. I then realized and explained to them, what I mean I wish I could die to self.

    Well, to cut to the quick, for everything God asks of us: to die to self, be Christlike, love, humble yourself, etc. Satan always provides a substitute perverted version of that as in: suicide, be your own God, lust, self pity, etc. Or is it visa versa, for everything we experience under the influence of Satan, God offers us the positive and eternally righteous alternative.

    It is therefore for us to catch Satan in his cunning and realize that all of what he offers, or all the suggestions we get in our ear to do it, as Sinatra sings it, “our way”, which is really ends up being Satan’s way, is plain out perversion of God’s very best and ultimately the failure to do it God’s way. It is to steal, kill and destroy us during the process and finally in the end. His plan from the very beginning. If only we could be as wise and understanding to see his purpose unfold, before we fall for it.

    As for the issue with Wendy, a definite heart break… But as long as there is life, there is hope.

    As I have said in the past, I will not make any promises. But your words and charm while important, can not make up for the sway of the heart that God can orchestrate if indeed what you hope for, is also His will. It is for you to dig into your relationship with God, and leave that part to Him. A suggestion here: read the classic book, “In His Steps” by Charles Sheldon. It supposedly takes place somewhare around the turn of the century (1800-1900 that is), but is so relavent even now. It’s where the initials WWJD or phrase “What Would Jesus Do” comes from. An incredible book, written as each chapter was series of sermons for several consecutive Sundays. Anyway, in the story, amongst other issues of life, and the challenge of what would Jesus do in this situation, is a powerful mix of love, priority and love in Christ, that plays out in an interesting scenario of two men interested in one girl… That’s all I’ll say. You really should read it all the way through though, to understand it all from the right perspective.

    Anyway, this is all for now, but I really see growth, and insight and God at work in a great big heart that God is making bigger everyday… Even as you get smaller… aka, from John the Baptist’s words, “He must increase and I must decrease”, not to mention the loss of 45 lbs. Hurrah!

    God bless you brother.

    Cheering you on!!!

    Danny

  16. Dear Donny,
    Great come back after your bout with the suicide feelings…especially as a Christian.
    The irony of it all. What comes to mind is this. Satan teased Eve in the garden by telling her that if she ate, she’d be like God. Ironically, in Christianity, we are told that we should be like Christ, to be Godly, etc. So is there a contradiction? Perhaps in the Hebrew, what Satan meant was “Be God” (can’t confirm that now, though). Anyway, my point is that just like that similar scenario, in Christ we are told that we must die to self, be crucified with Christ, etc. and everything about dying.

    From a personal example: once going through a battle with bondage in a relationship, I remember crying out in front of the person, “I wish I could die”, and quickly, they yelled back, don’t talk like that. I then realized and explained to them, what I mean I wish I could die to self.

    Well, to cut to the quick, for everything God asks of us: to die to self, be Christlike, love, humble yourself, etc. Satan always provides a substitute perverted version of that as in: suicide, be your own God, lust, self pity, etc. Or is it visa versa, for everything we experience under the influence of Satan, God offers us the positive and eternally righteous alternative.

    It is therefore for us to catch Satan in his cunning and realize that all of what he offers, or all the suggestions we get in our ear to do it, as Sinatra sings it, “our way”, which is really ends up being Satan’s way, is plain out perversion of God’s very best and ultimately the failure to do it God’s way. It is to steal, kill and destroy us during the process and finally in the end. His plan from the very beginning. If only we could be as wise and understanding to see his purpose unfold, before we fall for it.

    As for the issue with Wendy, a definite heart break… But as long as there is life, there is hope.

    As I have said in the past, I will not make any promises. But your words and charm while important, can not make up for the sway of the heart that God can orchestrate if indeed what you hope for, is also His will. It is for you to dig into your relationship with God, and leave that part to Him. A suggestion here: read the classic book, “In His Steps” by Charles Sheldon. It supposedly takes place somewhare around the turn of the century (1800-1900 that is), but is so relavent even now. It’s where the initials WWJD or phrase “What Would Jesus Do” comes from. An incredible book, written as each chapter was series of sermons for several consecutive Sundays. Anyway, in the story, amongst other issues of life, and the challenge of what would Jesus do in this situation, is a powerful mix of love, priority and love in Christ, that plays out in an interesting scenario of two men interested in one girl… That’s all I’ll say. You really should read it all the way through though, to understand it all from the right perspective.

    Anyway, this is all for now, but I really see growth, and insight and God at work in a great big heart that God is making bigger everyday… Even as you get smaller… aka, from John the Baptist’s words, “He must increase and I must decrease”, not to mention the loss of 45 lbs. Hurrah!

    God bless you brother.

    Cheering you on!!!

    Danny

  17. If the Lord is your shepherd then you are nothing more than a sheep.

  18. If the Lord is your shepherd then you are nothing more than a sheep.

  19. good stuff bro.

    I’ve got to tell you I’m proud to read that.

    God Bless you.

  20. good stuff bro.

    I’ve got to tell you I’m proud to read that.

    God Bless you.

  21. I wondered why you hadn’t blogged in a while. I almost sent you an “are you okay?” message on myspace and, of course, I regret now that I didn’t. I’m glad that you are okay. I think you made a wise choice to try to seek help that night at the hospital. I almost can’t believe that they would send someone away. It makes me worried and a little upset to think that there may be others that are being turned away too.

    I’m glad you’re back to blogging.

    Also, some people are always quick to critize, especially if you’re in the public eye. They’re wrong. They will say horrible things and, because you regret some of the things in your past, you’ll think they have a clue. But they don’t. Even if they’ve known you a long time, they still don’t get to decide who you are or who you can become. They just don’t get to have that privilege.

    Congrats on the weight loss!!

    take care

  22. I wondered why you hadn’t blogged in a while. I almost sent you an “are you okay?” message on myspace and, of course, I regret now that I didn’t. I’m glad that you are okay. I think you made a wise choice to try to seek help that night at the hospital. I almost can’t believe that they would send someone away. It makes me worried and a little upset to think that there may be others that are being turned away too.

    I’m glad you’re back to blogging.

    Also, some people are always quick to critize, especially if you’re in the public eye. They’re wrong. They will say horrible things and, because you regret some of the things in your past, you’ll think they have a clue. But they don’t. Even if they’ve known you a long time, they still don’t get to decide who you are or who you can become. They just don’t get to have that privilege.

    Congrats on the weight loss!!

    take care

  23. Hi Donny,
    You know those cruel words from your “friend”? The ones that say you have inner demons? Consider that his own prophetic autobiography. It’s all about him and his projection.
    I am very glad you didn’t follow through; and I’d be personally grieved and feel a great sense of loss … and be totally ticked off… weren’t around.
    Bottom line: I am super glad you’re in my life. Let’s keep it that way.
    Bill

  24. Hi Donny,
    You know those cruel words from your “friend”? The ones that say you have inner demons? Consider that his own prophetic autobiography. It’s all about him and his projection.
    I am very glad you didn’t follow through; and I’d be personally grieved and feel a great sense of loss … and be totally ticked off… weren’t around.
    Bottom line: I am super glad you’re in my life. Let’s keep it that way.
    Bill

  25. AaronM,

    I’m sure you talk to Donny in person still, if not my apologies. Am I nuts to think he has gone completely batshit insane? Not in a sarcastic way, I think he needs help desperately and the peanut gallery here is too busy singing him praises to give a shit.

    Sickening

  26. AaronM,

    I’m sure you talk to Donny in person still, if not my apologies. Am I nuts to think he has gone completely batshit insane? Not in a sarcastic way, I think he needs help desperately and the peanut gallery here is too busy singing him praises to give a shit.

    Sickening

  27. Donny, your openness, sincerity and determination are an inspiration to me. Your blog is now one of my staples. Keep writing, and keep on keeping on. Awesome.

    John.

  28. Donny, your openness, sincerity and determination are an inspiration to me. Your blog is now one of my staples. Keep writing, and keep on keeping on. Awesome.

    John.

  29. I guess your decision to convert to Christianty was correct. You obviously were going through a depresive phase and have you stayed in the other life, you probaly you will be dead now. Praying is ok because it releases the chemicals in the brain who cause happiness. That why religious people are on the average happier than non religious people and live longer. But depression sometimes is a deeper problem, sometimes with a organic origin. One of my critic to many evangelical churches is the adversion to any form of psychological therapy, specially when drugs are involved. You might need professional help and the drugs. So keep praying, keep building you network of christians friends but
    also seek first quality medical care. You should also advise the same thing to Crissy Moran, who seems to be going through the same problems. Depression. God bless you all.

  30. I guess your decision to convert to Christianty was correct. You obviously were going through a depresive phase and have you stayed in the other life, you probaly you will be dead now. Praying is ok because it releases the chemicals in the brain who cause happiness. That why religious people are on the average happier than non religious people and live longer. But depression sometimes is a deeper problem, sometimes with a organic origin. One of my critic to many evangelical churches is the adversion to any form of psychological therapy, specially when drugs are involved. You might need professional help and the drugs. So keep praying, keep building you network of christians friends but
    also seek first quality medical care. You should also advise the same thing to Crissy Moran, who seems to be going through the same problems. Depression. God bless you all.

  31. Hi Donny,

    Please don’t kill yourself. Don’t listen to your former friend in the porn industry. He speaks from a man’s point of view and not God’s point of view. Remember that Peter was once rebuked for stopping Jesus’s Plan to die on the cross for us? Satan was behind it. That message is not from Jesus or God, it’s from Satan and it is a lie to drag you down into the pit of hell. Don’t listen to the devil.

    Jesus paid the most expansive price for our lives and I believe He has the power to keep you from falling.

    I always remember this verse we sing alot at church:

    Now unto Him who is able to keep,
    Able to keep us from falling
    And present “DONNY” faultless
    Before the presence of His glory

    Thessalonians 5:23
    May God Himself, the God of peace, santify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming ouf our Lord Jesus Christ. The One who calls you is *faithful* and he *will do it*.

  32. Hi Donny,

    Please don’t kill yourself. Don’t listen to your former friend in the porn industry. He speaks from a man’s point of view and not God’s point of view. Remember that Peter was once rebuked for stopping Jesus’s Plan to die on the cross for us? Satan was behind it. That message is not from Jesus or God, it’s from Satan and it is a lie to drag you down into the pit of hell. Don’t listen to the devil.

    Jesus paid the most expansive price for our lives and I believe He has the power to keep you from falling.

    I always remember this verse we sing alot at church:

    Now unto Him who is able to keep,
    Able to keep us from falling
    And present “DONNY” faultless
    Before the presence of His glory

    Thessalonians 5:23
    May God Himself, the God of peace, santify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming ouf our Lord Jesus Christ. The One who calls you is *faithful* and he *will do it*.

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