People are always going to choose to believe whatever they wish to believe: “What you look for, you will find!” That’s quite true, I think, even for what we look for within ourselves.
I don’t think there’s been a time when I’ve looked deeply into my own soul and imagined anything other than ultimate redemption, despite what others have said about me. Perhaps I’m far too optimistic. I believe God really can use all things for good, and I’m optimistic my personal situation is included in the word “all.”
When I look inside, I don’t see a bad person. Admittedly, I’ve had moments where I’ve wondered if something evil lurks within, but ultimately I’ve come to conclude that is not the case. I can honestly say that I don’t remember acting with purposeful malice toward any other individual. That doesn’t mean I’ve never harmed others… what a ludicrous idea… I’ve harmed many. But I really, never intended such a thing.
The person I’ve read about isn’t a man I know: he simply doesn’t exist. Donald Trump has used the label “fake media,” and I now know from personal experience that he’s correct. It’s indescribable to witness what the media-mob-mentality types will do for a sensational story. I’m not going to even try to explain it, because I’ve been on your side of the fence before, and when I lived on that side I, too, didn’t want to hear what was trying to be said. I can simply tell you that my perception of the world is very different than what it used to be, and that will have to suffice.
I loved deeply. I made choices based on hope that somewhere deep inside I must have known wasn’t going to blossom. There definitely exists a naïve man within me, but he is no monster. Five different psychiatrists and psychologists have led me down a path where I can conclude this to be true without doubt. Purposeful naivety it may be, and likely is, but pure evil? Not at all.
I’ve learned the hard way that “the wages of sin is death.” Sin costs so much more than is possible for any of us to pay. The last three years have drilled that into me.
The perception of others towards me has been forever altered. Sometimes it’s hard for me to wrap my head around that and truly understand it. Am I all of a sudden a different person from the man with whom you used to laugh, placing value on my words and opinions? Did something somehow drastically change in the moment when the proverbial crap hit the proverbial spinning air circulator? Of course not. Only perceptions changed.
Believe me, don’t believe me, this is true: I loved, DEEPLY! The ways in which it was said that I expressed this love are quite different from the reality of how I actually did so. That’s something with which I’ve got to come to terms of acceptance. What can I do about perceptions, really? Not much, of course.
Closing, Random Thought: the list of the people who’s feelings and thoughts matter to me has, by necessity, grown much shorter than it used to be.