Last week I sent an email to a man I greatly respect, but who has really hurt my feelings. I asked him if he ever felt like a hypocrite, preaching grace while extending none to me. My feelings were hurt when he decided not to be my friend anymore. We had a conversation in which he agreed to chat from time to time, but that is a promise that has not yet materialized.
Logically, he has every reason to have made such a decision. Emotions are very powerful, however, and they don’t often care about logic. Emotions arise within me all the time.
I’ve been abandoned by so many people and face things that I wouldn’t wish upon an enemy. Most of the time, I deal with all of it in an acceptable way, and can move beyond the emotions that try to arise within. Sometimes I just don’t do so well with it, inside. Other times, emotions spill over into words I later regret having said or written.
I never stop daydreaming about a day when people decide to forgive and include me again. I really don’t think that’s ever going to happen, but I keep hoping for it. I do make efforts to look outside of myself. It’s not very difficult to see the way others must perceive me. I just don’t perceive myself the same way.
I write posts here, only to delete them because they seem so whiney. Whiners are hard to be around. I get it.
I wrote an apology to the person I emailed last week, but then didn’t send it. What is the point? In a matter of moments or days or hours I’ll likely feel the same way I felt when I wrote that email. And at this point, I don’t think he cares to hear my apology, anyway.
I don’t know how to stop this cycle. Counseling doesn’t seem to help. Praying doesn’t seem to help. I can’t pick up a Bible anymore, though I still feel close to God because He doesn’t abandon me. He has many ways of reminding me of that fact. I’m not sure why it’s not enough.
I often take things very personally, even though I know I shouldn’t, but as mentioned before, emotions are powerful, and I do so anyway. I continue to go to counseling, hoping the day will come when something clicks inside.
I don’t know how many people read what I write anymore, but if any reader has suggestions, I would love to hear them. You have no idea how nice it is to interact with other humans in a way that approaches normalcy. Most people take such things for granted. I no longer can do so. I value every “normal” conversation.