Donny's Ramblings


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Counseling, Every Man's Battle, and About That Ex-Wife

COUNSELING

I recently accepted the advice of a trusted friend to start receiving counseling. I’d been of the mindset that any healing I needed could be done on my own and in church with God’s help. I gave no respect to the “counseling” idea.
It was time to do so. I’m finding it hard to find the words to explain to you exactly how much these counseling sessions are helping.

Some of the effects really surprise me, however. Take for example the seemingly endless nights of crying. I’m talking about that cry where it feels like you’re ejecting your guts out of your mouth. Tears drop like they came from a sprinkler. You cry out unintelligible sentences. You feel like you’re losing your mind. Finally you’re so exhausted that you can’t keep your eyes open, so you fall asleep for a few hours, only to awaken and start the process again.

Especially at night. It always seems worse at night.

What’s causing this? I’d have to say “responsibility”. Finally facing some. Part of the healing process is being responsible and accountable.

It was a lot easier, for example, to be go through my day angry at Belinda and the way she hurt me than it is to face the fact that I pushed her into doing something she never wanted to do… that all she wanted to do was love ME and I couldn’t accept that. I thought she needed something more. I insisted that she take the “more” even after she’d let me know it wasn’t what she wanted. That fantasy wasn’t reality. The feelings that developed inside of her because of what I encouraged her to do… those are the feelings that led to the things she did which hurt me. She felt unloved. Why would someone who loved her allow and even encourage her to “play” with someone else?

Accountability. It hurts.

At the same time, I’ve also been addressing how my marriage to Wendy was ended. How I ripped HER apart too. How I sent her through the same things I’ve been experiencing (and more). How, when she thought she was going to lose her mind, I’d get on the phone and yell at her about it and tell her to stop listening to the people in her church. Those people were trying to help her. I told her she needed a prescription.

I can’t imagine going through what I’ve been experiencing, and having to take care of an infant alone at the same time. That’s what I sent my beautiful ex-wife through. The man she’d loved so well was off in a world of porn production. The man she thought she’d spend the rest of her life with was off living with another woman, and had “moved on” to that other woman so painfully quickly.

I remember her asking me why I’d moved on so quickly. I always felt justified by telling her, “I need someone. I’m all alone here. You have Caden, but I have nobody.” At the time it seemed like a really good explanation. How depraved. I guess some of us need to experience the same things we put others through in order to actually understand them.

What really blows me away about Wendy is that she sees what I’ve been going through and fully understands it. She doesn’t say, “I told you so” or laugh that I’m being paid back. She tells me it’s normal to wail. She tells me it will get better. She tells me to stop thinking of it as a bad thing, because it’s a very normal, healthy part of healing. About what I put her through, she tells me she wouldn’t have had it any other way because this horror and pain builds a much stronger person. She tells me it’s okay to grieve and mourn.

She loves me despite all of the things I’ve done to her. Isn’t that amazing? And when we talk I don’t hide any of the feelings I’ve been having about Belinda. Do you know what she does when I tell her those things? She mourns for Belinda. Her heart cries out to God to heal Belinda. I cannot tell you how much that touches me. I cannot begin to describe how much I see Jesus in her when she does stuff like that.

Then there’s Caden: I can’t express how horrible I feel that he’s had to live in a home without his daddy for as long as he can remember. Yeah, I’d see him very regularly and several times per week, but it’s not the same. He wasn’t meant to be unable to remember the times his daddy used to live in the same house. I only pray he’s never given crap from others about the work his daddy used to do. People can be cruel.

These are the things I’ve begun addressing on a much deeper level since counseling began. It has been excruciating.

EVERY MAN’S BATTLE

Every Man’s Battle continued this path of accountability.

What is Every Man’s Battle, you ask? It’s a program run by New Life Ministries. I’ll copy and paste their description for you:

“Every month, around the country, we offer the Every Man’s Battle Workshop three-day intensive program for men who are struggling with sexual integrity. It is Christ-centered, and uses a combination of teaching sessions and small group work, led by licensed Christian counselors.”

Several weeks ago I was asked if I’d come to one of these 3 day programs and share my story with the men in attendance. On Friday night I’d share my personal story, from Pastor’s son to porn producer to surrendering my life to God. On Saturday night I’d attempt to shed some light on the reality of pornography. Men that struggle with a porn addiction struggle with the FANTASY porn presents. The reality of porn is much different.

Those in attendance have either repeatedly cheated on their wives, have a very hard time keeping away from massage parlors or strip clubs, have had their relationships harmed by pornography, or have been affected in some other way by sexual sin.

During the day I was invited to sit in on the sessions if I’d like. This led to something very unexpected: although my marriage ended 6 years ago, I was yet another man in attendance who had deeply hurt his wife with my sexual sins. I was another man this program had been designed to help.

Much of the time I sat at the back of the room with tears streaming down my face, just like most of the other men.

My words can’t possibly describe what a great program New Life Ministries has put together. Every Man’s Battle offers men a huge tool to win their battles with sex addiction and repair their relationships.

While speaking, I struggled with the flow of words coming out of my mouth. I rambled a bit, but the intended message was communicated. Feedback was positive. I’m sure many of the men were given another tool to use in their personal struggles.

One of the counselors emailed me afterward and paid me a huge compliment:

You have an amazing maturity so early in your walk and a zeal that is contagious – I learned a lot from you this weekend (not just the porn stuff). I love the way you love God without the ‘infection’ of the American church culture (I think you know what I mean by that, don’t know how else to put it). Quite refreshing to say the least.

I know you played a major part in touching the men’s lives this weekend and in causing major casualties in the enemy’s armies.”

Reading that email this morning was very uplifting.

AND ABOUT THAT EX-WIFE

Following the second night came a question and answer period. One of the men asked if I thought I’d reconcile with Wendy. That’s a common question. It’s probably been asked a few hundred times, both to me and to Wendy as well. What a beautiful story it would be if things went full circle and our relationship was re-established and healed. Many think it will be.

But I’ll answer that question with a question of my own:

Do any of you think it’s fair to Wendy for me to pursue such a reconciliation while I’m still a complete mess inside? Until I can honestly say that all feelings for Belinda have gone away and that God has completely healed my soul I wouldn’t dare disrespect Wendy by trying to make her my wife again. She’s a truly remarkable, beautiful person who loved me better than anyone I know, and she’s continued to do so despite the hell I put her through. She’s an amazing, amazing woman who deserves an equally amazing man.

I’ll admit, however: the thought is never far from my mind. Perhaps someday… only God knows, I guess.


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Closure

Belinda came yesterday with her best friend and took the last few things remaining in the house that belonged to her. Looking back, I can’t think of a better way to part. It was a beautiful afternoon. There was laughter, tears, and some very meaningful dialogue between us.

It’s time to move on.

—–

Tomorrow I hope to write about an experience I had this past weekend that I can honestly say changed my life. I was asked to share my story with a group of men battling sexual addiction. I was able to share with them some of the things that will hopefully help remove the fantasy from porn. Reality isn’t so pretty.


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Dear Mark,

I am writing because we once professed to be friends. Regardless of whether that was really ever true, I’d like to appeal to that part of you anyway. I’m writing in an attempt to reach anything inside of you that might have a shred of decency. I’m writing about Belinda.

I wanted to call and say this stuff to you in person but I can’t keep from crying like a child when I think about it and, well, that’s just not “macho” now is it?

I hope that my writing this to you will not embarrass B. I don’t think it will because the three of us did a lot of things much crazier than letters without feeling any embarrassment. As you know, Belinda’s a girl I love very deeply. Because of that I want to request a few things from you.

First of all I’d like to request that you protect her heart. I didn’t do a very good job with that one. I couldn’t allow myself to fully accept the love she had for me and I thought she needed more than I could offer. Because of my insecurities I led her to places she didn’t want to go, and once she was there I ripped her to shreds for liking it. Please don’t do the same thing to her. I’m begging you not to do that.

Regardless of whether or not she’ll admit it, she’s got the tender heart of a beautiful woman beating inside of her. She may try to hide that, but I know this woman. She wants to be loved. I hope you can love her. She needs love to keep her sense of security and self-confidence. Love makes her happy. Most women are that way, I know, but I really care about this one. Her happiness, security and confidence is important to me. I stupidly shattered those things and broke her heart. Please do a better job with her than I did.

I’d like to ask that you resist that urge to spread yourself around to other women and just focus on Belinda. She deserves that. She really does. It’s easy for her to say she’s okay with casual relationships but again, I know this woman. She wants more. She deserves more.

I don’t want to drag this letter on and on in typical Donny fashion so I just want to end this by saying that I would consider you a great man if you sheltered the heart of this beautiful woman and treated her the way I should have treated her.

Do so and I’ll forever be in your gratitude.

– Donny –

(whether via email, myspace or my blog, that boy is gonna see this letter)


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The 19 Year Old Girl

(This post goes hand in hand with The Game. Based on some of the emails I’ve received after that post it became apparent that some people had the wrong idea on where blame should lie. Perhaps that’s just the way people are: blame the other person to help the person speaking with you. That’s probably the case. I write this post to clarify things a bit and let people see that, while The Game led to a lot of pain and destruction, it was orchestrated by yours truly and most of blame lies on me. I’m not sitting her wallowing in guilt this morning, I’m sitting here having just received another email trying to lay blame on a girl who, yes, is responsible for her own actions but is definitely not the cause of MY problems. Maybe this will make that more clear.)

A young girl leaves her home and is out on her own for the first time. She’s been pretty sheltered up until this point, never traveling more than a few hundred miles outside of the area in which she’s lived all of her life.

She’s never been in a plane.

She’s never done any traveling.

She’s never experienced the so-called “finer things in life”.

As a college student, it’s an exciting time in her life. She gets to call her own shots for the first time ever. She gets to go as she pleases and do what she wants.

Can you remember that time in your own life and how exciting it was to finally “be your own boss”?

She meets a pornographer, but he won’t let her model for him because he’s taken an interest in her. He wants to show her the world. When he finds out that she’s never flown before he takes her up in a small private airplane and has her fly it, scaring her a bit but giving her something she’s never experienced.

That’s important to him: giving things she’s never had before. Why? Because he wants her to remember him forever, no matter what the future might bring. In other words, his reasons are rather selfish. Yeah, he wants her to experience life, but more important to him is that she remembers who brought that to her.

He takes her to 5 star hotels and restaurants. He takes her on dive trips. They travel together.

She’s never owned a vehicle so he buys her that first car.

He brings her into his business and she excels because she’s very bright, very talented, and picks up on things very quickly.

She has no moral problems with his business, as religion has never been part of her past. In fact, her biggest exposure to religion is in the form of the man in her life who sometimes rants and raves about how much he hates religion, why he hates Christians. How he feels hurt by so many of them from his past. Being that she knows no better from personal experience, how must his words have impacted her views?

The pornographer’s best friend tells him that the girl will never love him but will be with him for money and the complete change in lifestyle that it brings. The dazzle no doubt has an influence on her, but as the years go by, time changes that best friend’s mind: “It may have started out that you dazzled her at the beginning, mister, but you know I tell you my mind and call it as I see it: she definitely fell in love with you.”

The pornographer has issues inside. Like many men, one of his issues is accepting love. This particular man has no problems giving it, but major issues accepting that he deserves it in return. His ego won’t let him admit that his real issue is insecurity. That insecurity is part of what drives him to want to push new boundaries in his relationship. He doesn’t want to be jealous because he despises jealous men, so he goes the complete opposite direction and isn’t jealous enough.

“Babe, it was just a fantasy. I don’t really want that or need that.”

“I know, but I want to fulfill your fantasies, because I love you.”

“Really, it’s not necessary. I am very happy with what we have.”

He doesn’t let himself believe that, even though she makes it very clear to him. He puts things into motion that consume them both.

He ruins everything they ever had together.

(does that make things make a bit more sense?)


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Sex, Arrogance and a Depraved Mind

Understand it or not, this blog is a form of healing for me. I have referred to the story I’m about to tell you a few times but have never delved into it much. It’s time. Call me crazy, and perhaps that’s not far from the truth, but I believe writing about this will help put it behind me.

Let’s start with a few definitions.

Definition of Arrogance on the web:

  • One of the seven chief stumbling blocks. Its positive pole is pride; its negative pole is vanity.

Definitions of Depraved on the web:

  • marked by immorality; deviating from what is considered right or proper or good
  • extreme departure from what is normal and good

Let me tell you a story about how my arrogance led to a depraved sex game that ended up contributing to my surrender to God.

This isn’t a story for young readers.

This is an explicit story of a twisted sex game Belinda and I played. A game that we thought we had under control. A game that actually controlled us and forever changed our lives.

I’ll refrain from overly graphic descriptions, but stop now if you think this story will cause you harm in any way.

I’m telling this story because it is part of my life. In fact, if my life were a puzzle, this game would make up several pieces of it.

I’m also telling you because this game still influences me greatly. I imagine it always will. When I have a bad day, an undoubted part of the reason for my bad day goes back to this game.

I want the pain from this game to stop.

The recent meltdown I mentioned having was one form of evidence that my life is still influenced by this game.

Tonight, or should I say this morning since it’s barely after 4 am, I can’t sleep because of where this game has led. I am tired of lying in bed awake.

So I write.

——————–

First let me start with love and a girl.

Belinda.

I loved her deeply. I love her still. We’d had four and a half great years together by the time The Game started. It started, ironically, because of that love.

Like I mentioned in the title, my mind was depraved.

Said depravity was one of the results of a career as a porn producer. Things normal people would never do seemed like a good idea.

This is the mother of all things that normal people should never do!

Before we started dating, when we were just in the getting-to-know-each-other stages, Belinda and I talked about everything. She was living in the dorms at Chico State University and would often skip class to chat with me. We’d talk for hours.

One of the subjects we spoke about was sex and fantasies. Belinda’s biggest fantasy was to have two men in her bed paying all of their attention to her at the same time. She never thought it would ever happen, which is why the word “fantasy” was used.

I filed that information away in my mind.

I pulled it out 4.5 years later when we met Mark Navarro.

A Content Manager for Playboy, Mark was our boss. He was a guy with an outgoing personality. He seemed to be a ladies’ man.

He had a serious, long term relationship and therefore didn’t seem to be a threat to me. He’d mentioned having flings on the side and assured us that he had an open relationship with the mother of his child. I believed him at the time. Such things were not uncommon in the adult industry. By the time we found out Mark was not being honest about his open relationship it was too late: The Game had already begun.

I told Mark about Belinda’s fantasy and that I wanted to fulfill it for her.

This is where Arrogance comes into the picture. In my depraved mind, few men would give the love of their life such a “gift”. Many men speak of how they’d like to experience two woman at the same time, but very very few are interested in allowing their woman the reciprocal.

I didn’t want to be most men.

I wanted to give my woman something she’d never get from someone else.

Depraved.

I was arrogant. I could handle it. I could do something few men could do. I could share Belinda for awhile and I believed our relationship was strong enough to handle it.

Turns out I was wrong.

Duh.

I explained to Mark that for Belinda to have a good time he’d have to get inside her head a little. She’d have to be comfortable with a man if she was going to sleep with him.

Mark came through like a champ, spending 2 months getting Belinda comfortable with him by chatting with her online. Calling her. Emailing her. All with my blessing. I called it right: he did indeed have the determination to put the time into it.

The first time should have been the last time, but I was an arrogant SOB. I experienced emotions from extreme jealousy to extreme “turn on”. I decided to channel the former into the latter and continued The Game.

After all, I was unlike most men. I could handle it. WE could handle it.

The Game turned into a pretty regular event. People heard about it. My arrogance made me think my relationship was safe from all the things our friends warned us about.

We can handle it. We’re strong. You’re wrong. This won’t end us.

Then came Webmaster Access West. Los Angeles, Ca. November, 2005. Horror.

Webmaster Access was a week long event that culminated in a party at the Playboy Mansion. The week before the event we’d been shooting in San Diego so we had our camera gear and our vehicle with us. It would be a 500 mile drive home. At the beginning of the week I mentioned to Belinda that I might let her spend the night alone with Mark on the last day of the event and fly home with him while I drove.

After all, that might turn me on.

Turns out that wasn’t the case. In the middle of the event I flew home to see my son’s first play and flew back the next morning. While I was gone I let Belinda and Mark do as they pleased.

The week turned out to be about them. I was largely ignored. I was rather annoyed because the game was supposed to be about us: Belinda and I. This didn’t fit my arrogant idea that Mark was not a threat to me. Serious feelings had grown inside of Belinda for Mark.

Duh.

I told her that because I’d been pretty much ignored all week, and because they’d already had a night alone when I flew home for my son’s play, there was no way another night alone was going to happen.

Nope. No way. Not happening.

When the day came that it was time to leave I told Belinda she’d be driving home with me.

Fighting. Arguments. Thrown coffee cups inside our Explorer. Crying. Yelling.

After two hours of this we merged onto Interstate 5 to head home. Belinda made me turn the car around and take her back to Mark’s hotel. I explained to her that if she got out of the car we’d be over.

I pulled up to the hotel.

She stepped out.

I drove up Interstate 5 bawling my eyes out.

How had it come to this? Why? Things had been SO PERFECT before all of this. We never fought. We loved each other deeply. How had this sex game gotten to this point? How could I have been so stupid? I honestly thought we were so in love that we could withstand anything.

I had been such an arrogant SOB.

Still, I didn’t want to lose Belinda. The thought terrified me.

If I have to settle for sharing her, I’ll do it. Sad, really. Pathetic is actually a bit more accurate.

I wanted the game to end so badly but I wanted Belinda to be the one to call it off. I made it clear that it was her call because I wanted her to stop it out of love for me.

The Game continued another 3 months. Finally in February Belinda was ready to stop. The mess our relationship had become and the fighting we’d begun doing was so unlike the great years we’d had before The Game began.

In the time period between November and February my ego had been crushed. I wasn’t as untouchable as I thought. I felt unloved. I was depressed.

Although healing had begun between us, I thought a bit about God, but there was no way I was going to come to him when my life was in shambles. Everyone did that. I was better than everyone else.

Instead I focused on rebuilding what I’d lost with Belinda.

I’m sorry, Belinda, but Mark can’t be a part of our lives anymore if we are to heal. She was aware of that.

Things were slowly getting back to normal. Very slowly, but progress was being made.

Still, my ego and feelings of self worth would never return to the levels they’d been prior to The Game. It turns out that wasn’t such a bad thing, because for the next 7 months I reflected a bit on God and on the love xxxchurch had shown despite how horrible I’d been to them. I started paying more attention to the way my actions and my life influenced other people. I stopped making up excuses when models were found out and hurt by posing for us. I began to accept responsibility for my actions.

My heart softened. On September 25th, as you know if you’ve read my story, I finally surrendered to God.

Belinda thought I was crazy. Why would I give up everything we’d built? Why now, when things were on track to returning to normal? Why now, when Playboy had offered us more money than ever before to start shooting a new series? Why now, when we were progressing so well on repairing our relationship?

Because that crack in ego and arrogance had let in the Light and given certain seeds a place to grow.

I’d hoped Belinda would want to experience God as well, but she had no desire to do so. Our house has 4 bedrooms, 2 of which are Master Bedrooms. I moved into the second Master. Belinda continued to produce porn and I’d leave on days when she had a shoot.

We were no longer officially together, but we spent time with each other every day. I told her she’d have to move out but I never put a time period on the actual date by which she’d have to do so. I still hoped she’d see Jesus in me and want to meet him herself.

Then came the meltdown.

On my birthday Belinda chose to go to a party with Mark. After all, she thought, we’re not together anymore so why can’t I go? It was a special day to me and I thought Belinda would be spending it with me. It felt like the ultimate insult that out of all days she could go party with another man she chose my birthday. I baited Mark into starting a thread on a public message board owned by Playboy. Once he did so I let go on the two of them with both barrels.

In front of thousands of readers.

It was horrible.

What hurt the most about the meltdown was that I’d blown it so badly. I’d been trying to live my life as an example and instead I had shown anything BUT Jesus’ love.

Belinda moved out right after that meltdown. She hates me now. She doesn’t want to hear from me anymore in any way, and is now spending her free time with Mark. She recently told me she feels dirty for doing so but that it distracts her from the guilt she feels inside.

Does it hurt that she’s spending time with Mark? Of course it does. Worse than I thought it would. But it also helps me to let go of her.

But what do I do with MY guilt? I brought Belinda into porn production. And my arrogance, my depravity started The Game.

I’ve repented. I continue to repent even though I know I’m forgiven. Most of the time I actually feel forgiven. Sometimes I do not.

Sometimes I feel sane. Sometimes I do not.

I want Jesus to heal Belinda too, but I’m not the person to show him to her. I hope he sends the right person to do so.


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On Beagles, Pain, Ego and Business

On Beagles…

My beautiful beagles, Andy and Nelly, are gone. Belinda came for them and they’ll now be residing in a new home, along with one other dog and two cats. I’m sure they’ll be loving life. I cried when they left. Coming home now means entering a completely empty house. There are no beagles who need to be fed or scratched behind the ears.

———-

On Pain…

Some have left comments stating that I’ve been ignoring the pain of others and focusing on my own pain. That’s not true. I write about my own pain because it helps heal it. But don’t think that means I’m not constantly thinking about the pain I’ve caused to others. One commenter mentioned my ex-wife and what I must have put her through. Believe me, Mister or Missus Anonymous Commenter, I do consider this quite a bit more than you might imagine. In fact I apologize to her all the time about it. I can never apologize enough.

Some of the things I’ve been experience parallel some of the things she experienced when I tore her life apart all those years ago. I believe God can use all things for his purposes, and although it is my own sin that has resulted in what I’m now experiencing, God uses these experiences to educate. I’ve been gaining a deeper understanding of what I put Wendy through, and I’ve been able to empathize with her because some of those same experiences are now happening to me. In fact, I have been making a habit of telling her, “I did ________ to you. I now understand a little better what you must have felt like. I am SO sorry.” Slowly but surely, I think she is beginning to believe I actually do understand. Even so, there is a long way to go before I have a complete grasp on Wendy’s pain. I just hope I don’t have to experience all of it. It’s definitely not pleasant.

———-

More On Ego…

Many things led to the point in time where I surrendered my life to God. One of those things was the breaking down of my ego. Don’t get me wrong, quite a bit of it remains, but a good chunk was chipped out of it as a result of the sex game I mentioned in the blog entry posted on December 29th. I’m not really sure why I mention this.

Someday, when I can wrap my mind around what happened enough to express the lessons learned, I intend to blog a bit about it. It’s rather odd what God can use to work on someone’s mind. The crushing of my ego during that game allowed me to see what a useless, meaningless life I’d been living. It allowed me to better recognize the Christian example being shown by so many people in my life, including the pastors of xxxchurch. My ego had to be greatly lessened before I was able to see things more clearly. It had to be crushed to allow truth to enter my life. Even so, it took more than 7 months of realization before I finally reached the point of surrender.

My lifestyle placed a large barrier between me and what is truly important in life, and I’m not speaking of a relationship with God at the moment. We all know that is important. I am talking about family and friends.

Most of those I referred to as “friends” before were not friends at all. My family loved me regardless of what I did, but I never realized the wall that my life as a porn producer put up between us. Another of the things that softened me up to surrender my life to God was a visit to my father’s house. I was still producing at that point, and my step-mom reminded me that I’d made a promise to them to be finished with porn production by the time my son was in school. I’d completely forgotten about it until that moment. I saw the hurt on her face that I hadn’t kept my promise, and realized how much my actions must continuously hurt my dad as well. They never gave me much crap for it. They just loved me in spite of myself. But they must have been torn up inside the entire time I produced.

———-

On Business…

I haven’t spoken a whole lot on my new business. It’s something that blows my mind every time I think about it. I was in the middle of fasting, and on day 4 I had a brainstorm. I called the owner of a Chevrolet franchise and asked his opinion on my idea. He strongly encouraged me to get things rolling as soon as possible and promised he’d be a client right away.

And that’s the way it’s been going!

Every dealership I’ve spoken with likes my idea. I have yet to hear a “no” once I’m speaking with a decision maker.

Are you curious yet? Okay, I’ll tell you what I’m doing.

As you may recall, a local dealership hired me to develop an internet sales and marketing department for them. I wanted to do the best job possible so I began researching what was working and what was not working for other dealers who already have internet departments. Overwhelmingly I was told that one major problem dealerships had was in finding the time to photograph their inventory for their websites. Another problem was handling technical aspects relating to their websites. Yet another problem was properly marketing their websites online.

Dear God, tell me I’m hearing these dealers correctly.

They need someone to:
photograph their vehicles,
manage their websites,
and market said websites.

Hmmm…. this may be a big jump here, but it seems to me that I know how to properly operated a camera (and have some pretty nice photo equipment sitting here doing nothing), I’ve run porn sites for quite a few years, and while I owned those porn sites they were marketed well enough that my internet traffic exceeded 12 million unique visitors each month.

Can you guess what I’m doing now? If not, let me spell it out for you. I’m managing auto dealer websites, from design (or redesign) to photographing inventory to marketing. And dealers are signing up like crazy. So much so that this month I have to hire two people to help me, and I anticipate needing more help in just a few short months.

Any idea who deserves the credit for this success?

Why are you making things so easy on me, God? Don’t get me wrong, I love it! Thank you, thank you, thank you for your blessings. Feel free to keep sending them.


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Church Can Change One’s Frame of Mind

I’ve been moping around all day feeling sorry for myself. Living alone is tough. Belinda moved in with her friend Crystal, 3 hours south of me, and she’s coming to pick up the Beagles on Monday. Then I’ll be completely alone.

My local church has a Saturday night service, followed by several Sunday options. I decided to attend a Saturday service for the first time ever. That was probably the best decision I’ve made all week.

The service was fantastic, and talking about fishing afterward in the coffee shop with two other men was great as well. I feel like a new person.

I came home and made myself dinner: sun-dried tomato ravioli’s with garlic pasta sauce, and a glass of red wine.

Thank God for Christian friends.


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Church Can Change One's Frame of Mind

I’ve been moping around all day feeling sorry for myself. Living alone is tough. Belinda moved in with her friend Crystal, 3 hours south of me, and she’s coming to pick up the Beagles on Monday. Then I’ll be completely alone.

My local church has a Saturday night service, followed by several Sunday options. I decided to attend a Saturday service for the first time ever. That was probably the best decision I’ve made all week.

The service was fantastic, and talking about fishing afterward in the coffee shop with two other men was great as well. I feel like a new person.

I came home and made myself dinner: sun-dried tomato ravioli’s with garlic pasta sauce, and a glass of red wine.

Thank God for Christian friends.


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Meltdown: Crash and Burn

Last Friday night:

I’m leaving my best friend John’s house. In just a few hours it will be my birthday. John has given me good advice about the situation at hand.

“Why did she pick this day of all days, John?”

“Go home and forget about it. Just go to sleep or something. Forget it. What good will it do you to keep thinking about it?”

But my feelings are hurt. I feel betrayed. I feel unimportant. I feel rage, but the rage is now being fueled by vodka and orange juice as I sit alone in my house. The stop at Raley’s Supermarket to purchase this beverage, a beverage that was intended to put me to sleep, turns out not to be such a good idea.

I drink into the wee hours of Saturday morning.
I crash and burn.
I melt down.
In public.

———-

The meltdown was witnessed in one of the last places where it should have happened: an adult webmaster forum where pornographers from all over the world converse with each other online. Thousands of them, all of whom knew Donny had become a Christian.

Except, now they’re seeing Donny act very unlike a follower of Christ. Donny is getting into arguments with some. Tearing down others.

Tearing down Belinda.
In public.

Complete failure.
In public.

———-

Belinda and I played a sex game for 10 months that ended in February of this year, 7 months before I surrendered my life to God. Perhaps someday I’ll share with everyone what I learned about stupidity, pride, ego and relationships from that experience. But let’s suffice it to say that even now, despite spending months and months trying to deal with the wages of our sin, it still is allowed to influence the lives of all involved.

That game had a lot to do with this meltdown.
I’m still influenced by past sins that ended months ago.

I try to make myself feel better by pointing out that others played a big part in all of this.

“Yes, I did ___, but they did ___!”

That logic doesn’t stop my stomach from churning. Even today, almost a full week later, my stomach is still a mess. It grumbles loud enough for people to hear it 20 feet away. I am that disgusted by my actions.

Thousands of eyeballs in the adult entertainment industry are watching me. Many doubt my “conversion” is genuine. This sure didn’t help alleviate that doubt.

———-

Three weeks ago I met a counselor at a small group meeting. She’s also a published author and writes for a well known Christian magazine. I emailed her and asked if she’d be interested in writing about my “testimony” for the magazine. In response, she very bluntly let me know that I do not yet HAVE a testimony… that I am just another sinner who asked to be rescued from a sinful life. She put me in my place. She made me think. She made me realize that my ego is still enormous. Two days ago she saw me again and commented that I’ve noticeably changed.

This meltdown had a lot to do with that. I’ve realized I am not strong, like I thought I was. I realized I am not beyond my razor-sharp tongue. I am still a man who jumps at the chance to rip people apart for hurting my feelings.

Song lyrics are stuck in my head.

What’s going on inside of me? I despise my own behavior. This only serves to confirm my suspicions: that I’m still a man in need of a savior.


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Heartache and Negativity

To be honest, I really dislike visiting someone’s blog and reading about the heartache and negativity going on in the life of the writer. Such blog entries aren’t very popular. For one thing, what can you say to a complete stranger when reading about deep emotional issues they’re facing? I know that when I try to think of something meaningful to say to someone I don’t know it always comes out superficial and basically meaningless. It’s almost impossible to feel truly sympathetic to a person you know only as an internet personality.

With that in mind, I haven’t written too terribly much about my own personal turmoils. It’s simply not good reading, nor is it a good way to start one’s day. It’s not very uplifting. That’s what I’m trying to tell ya. I realize that.

Tonight, however, I am going to break the unwritten rule I’ve made for myself about getting too negative. This blog is an outlet for me, and I’ve several times said writing in it is therapeutic. Tonight I’m going to take advantage of that therapy. If you don’t want to be bummed out, skip this entry and come back another day.

Still here?

My constant readers, I am in a lot of pain. More than I like to let on to others. My eyes are leaking. What does one do when feeling like this?

Personally, I feel nobody really cares. I’m sure this is a normal sentiment. I do receive comfort praying, but we all know there are times when that just doesn’t feel like enough. Tonight is one of those times.

Although we’ve been “broken up” for several weeks now, tonight Belinda and I finally had the discussion on whether or not we will ever reunite or have a future together. We’ve come to the conclusion that neither of us think that is possible. We haven’t really wanted to accept it, but it appears our relationship has come to a place where we’re facing more than “taking a break” from each other.

Until today, I’ve heard things like “I really want to be in business for myself” and “I really don’t see myself as ever being religious” and on and on. I know she’s not stuck on producing pornography, and simply continues to do so because it’s already there for her. In fact, I’ve started a new business and could really use her help and photographic talent, so if being in business for herself were really the issue that would be an objection that is easily overcome by becoming a partner with me in this new venture.

Differences in religious beliefs really wouldn’t cause a woman that is still in love with me to want to leave, and Belinda is not the type of person to purposely try to cause intense pain, so I knew her objections were just a way of saying the spark is gone forever. Perhaps this is caused by my becoming a different person, which is something she says she doesn’t like at all, but the truth of the matter simply boils down to this: we’re done forever and we have to move on.

Almost six years together: over.

We talk about how we’ll continue to be friends forever, but this too is typical banter between people trying to amicably part ways. Without children to hold us together it is more likely that we’ll slowly drift apart more and more as time goes on. Or one of us will begin seeing someone else and, because of respect for that new person or jealousies from that new person, communication will cease between us.

This reality saddens me. Belinda and I were great together. We rarely disagreed. We always got past our issues quickly. We laughed and loved and created great memories.

It’s only human to be heartbroken at such a loss.

Right?