Donny's Ramblings


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Emotional Roller Coaster, a Healed Ear and a 45lbs Lighter Donny

I started writing this on April 3rd, 11 days ago. I wrote most of it, saved it as a draft, and haven’t returned to finish it. Today I intend to do so.

Before becoming a Christian, I’d never seriously considered ending my life.

Ever.

Ever ever ever.

So after surrendering my life to God… after He begins doing amazing, powerful, profound things for me… after having real encounters with the Creator of the Universe… why is it that after all of that I arrived at a place where I seriously wished to die?

This happened just a few days short of a month ago. John says I played it down when I very briefly mentioned it in my “Dear Daphne” letter. He says I did so because I’m afraid that if I tell the truth people won’t like me as much. People might stop reading my blog. People might think I’m not really a Christian. People might think I’m crazy and, as such, might not want to listen to me speak.

John is very blunt. I love him. He’s my best friend and he knows me pretty damned well. He calls it like he sees it and trusts me enough to know I won’t be offended when he does so. He knows I respect that about him.

And really, what is there to be afraid of? I discuss everything here, and because of that I’ve received dozens of emails thanking me for being transparent. Telling me that this blog speaks into the lives of many.

I feel that’s what I’m supposed to do here. I feel that very strongly.

So now I’m going to tell you about the emotional roller coaster I was riding.

It felt like the world came crashing down on March 16th.

On that day:

– I’d just settled in to a new place to live after the bank took my house. The new place isn’t nearly as comfortable as what I’ve been used to, and having two roommates takes a bit of adjustment, especially when you have to share a bathroom with one of them.

– That afternoon Wendy let me know that there’s no hope for reconciliation on any sort of romantic level, and when I heard her reasons for feeling that way I knew she was serious.

I had to face a very serious issue from my past that I’ve been trying to forget.

– I was still upset that, the day before, a man from the adult industry… a man I used to consider a good friend… publicly posted the following message to me, where hundreds if not thousands of people could read it:

If you think you are some reborn Christian, you have lost it. Seriously, I anticipate the day I hear/read about you offing yourself, and I will state now that not only does it not surprise me, but it doesn’t sadden me either. You have inner demons that must be cast out, and at the rate you are going, death is the only thing that will help that along.

– Feelings of rejection (Belinda) begun raising up inside, once again (sometimes I still can’t wrap my mind around how someone can move on so quickly after 6 years of being together – deep inside I know it was my fault, but that doesn’t always satisfy my questions).

– My counselor was out of town.

– My dad, too, was out of town: on vacation for the entire month.

I started thinking, “Lloyd’s right. I should do the world a favor and take myself out.”

I don’t want to discuss the full details of that day because, looking back, I am very embarrassed to have felt that way at all. But I will tell you what kept me from parking my running car in a garage at my former residence, where my garage door opener still works, and listening to music until I went to sleep: I ended up making a call for help. That call brought me down to earth enough that I deciding to check myself into a mental hospital instead of doing something really stupid.

The hospital turned me away. It was after normal admissions hours.  I was informed that in order to be admitted I’d need to go to the emergency room of a regular local hospital and ask for a counselor to be sent.

On the way to the ER I became angry and asked myself what the hell I was doing. Why was I being so stupid? It turned out not to be necessary to check in. Simply attempting to admit myself made something change inside of me, so instead of going to the ER, I went directly to the church for Friday night service…

where God healed my ear. It had been hurting pretty badly for several days. During the service, a man whose name I don’t know started praying for it. Less than 10 seconds into his prayer I started hearing popping noises, the pain went away, and it hasn’t returned.

How can one continue wallowing in self pity after God heals their ear?

God, that was a really good way to refocus my mind back onto you. Thank you for that.

The next day I read Donald Miller’s To Own a Dragon. I was very embarrassed about how I’d felt the day before. How could I have allowed such thoughts to enter my brain?

I was feeling normal again.

For a few days.

The beautiful conversations I’d been having with Wendy were over. There’s nothing more intimate than connecting with words and being on the same page. But that intimacy had to stop.

Once again, I started feeling like I had nobody who truly cared. I bought into that lie. I didn’t sink again to a level where I wanted to die, but I sure was feeling sorry for myself. Today I can’t even remember why.

Because of all of this I realized I was giving myself way too much free time to ponder things that don’t need to be pondered. I immersed myself in work, which is why this blog hasn’t been updated as regularly as I’d like. Dealer Web Concepts, the business I started to help auto dealers with their internet marketing needs, now services 7 auto dealerships in 4 towns. I had to drop one client due to a conflict of interest with another. That turned out to be a good thing, however, because I have no idea where I’d find the time to service them.

Is now a good time to take a break and mention that I’ve lost 45 lbs? I haven’t been at this weight for almost 6 years. Not long ago I read a comment made on an internet message board by Belinda’s new boyfriend, alluding to him wanting to be “the bigger man” and I couldn’t help but snicker a little. Because now he literally IS the bigger man. But I digress.

Dear God, you’ve allowed me to work past my hatred of Mark to the point where it no longer exists, now please help me lose the residual bitterness as well.

Besides immersing myself in work, I’ve begun attending more home groups. Surrounding myself with like minded people works wonders. When I was growing up, the churches I attended never had small groups. Are these a relatively new creation or were we just clueless? Home groups are amazing! And the churches I associate with have so many to choose from! I attend a Singles group, a Single Parents group, a Christian Sportsman group and another group that wouldn’t quite fit into any particular category.

Feelings of being “alone” no longer exist.

As a Christian I’m still an infant, but I’m loving every experience, good and bad. I’m so far from perfect it’s not even funny. Thank God for Romans 7 verse 17-25. I’ve used those scriptures to help lead others to surrendering their life to God, but I personally find a lot of strength to stand back up each time I fall down.

Here’s Paul, the man who wrote the majority of the New Testament upon which literally BILLIONS of people have lived their lives, talking about his personal struggles. Not struggles he USED TO HAVE, but struggles he faced as a Christian, all the time. “The Message” translation says it best:

But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help!

I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it.

I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway.

My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up.

I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?

The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

As Rob Bell talks about in the first of his Nooma videos, so many people think being a Christian means you have to have your life in perfect order. But Jesus himself said he didn’t come for those who have it all together. He came for the sick.

Thank God for that.


22 Comments

No More God Stuff: I'm Going Back to Producing Porn

I’ve been thinking a lot about it and I’ve come to the conclusion that I really loved making a living by ruining lives. I’ll keep this short: I’m going back to producing porn and my business will be bigger and better than ever.

(Don’t freak out, people. Take a look at the date: it’s April Fools. I’m actually heading out the door to go to church.)

Not funny, you say? Ah, well… at least one of us is laughing. Lighten up. 🙂


46 Comments

No More God Stuff: I’m Going Back to Producing Porn

I’ve been thinking a lot about it and I’ve come to the conclusion that I really loved making a living by ruining lives. I’ll keep this short: I’m going back to producing porn and my business will be bigger and better than ever.

(Don’t freak out, people. Take a look at the date: it’s April Fools. I’m actually heading out the door to go to church.)

Not funny, you say? Ah, well… at least one of us is laughing. Lighten up. 🙂


22 Comments

Dear Pastor Tom

The following is an email I sent to “Pastor Tom”. The backstory is this: On two separate radio shows Tom has voiced his opinion that the pastors of XXXChurch have made unwise decisions when setting up their booth on the show floor of porn shows. He says this because he has a hard time believing men can be surrounded by porn and not be tempted to “sin”. This is the letter I emailed to him in response.

Pastor Tom,

My name is Donny Pauling. My blog can be found at http://www.donnysramblings.com . I was formerly known as Donovan Phillips and I produced pornography from 1997 until September 25, 2006. I’m sure you know my story. It seems everyone does.

I’ve listened to your interviews with XXXChurch. I just have to tell you very simply and bluntly: you’re wrong. Sorry, but you are. And I mean nothing personal by this, but to be entirely honest I never would have responded to you. You’d have done the opposite of “turning me on” to Christ. It is people with the attitude you have in your two interviews that turned me off completely. In fact, part of the reason I delved deeper and deeper into porn was to shove it into the faces of people like you from my past. I wanted to shock them as much as possible and send them hiding behind the “holy” walls of their local church. That sounded very harsh, I know. But I just want to tell you the honest truth. I’ll elaborate more as my email progresses.

Personally, I never would have given the guys from XXXChurch a second look had they NOT been on the floor of the show. If they had stood on the outside of the door I would have looked at them as I did every other “Christian” at that time: judgmental and thinking of themselves as “too good” or “too holy” to come inside with me.

Now please believe me: I understand some of your concerns about putting pornography in front of the faces of men. I used to “give ’em hell” on the XXXChurch blogs and message boards about the exact same issue. Why? Because I knew that’s where my comments would hurt them most. I knew, from my Christian background, that would be where Christians such as yourself would be “hitting them” as well. I pounded away on that same wound because that is where these guys are most vulnerable. I KNEW that the very people who should be supporting them most, the Christians, would undoubtedly pound on them for being in there with all of us sinners.

I don’t think you realize how horribly most Christians hurt people. The judgmental attitude does so much more harm than good. Let me give you a story from my past that really burned me up when dealing with Christians: I attended a church where a very “sinful” woman came to give her heart to God. She was saved and tried hard to walk the path she knew she must walk. But she had fallen so low in her life that it was very difficult not to mess up at times. Soon she’d messed up enough that a few of the “saints” made her feel really bad about it. On a Sunday morning when the rest of us were in church, she put a gun in her mouth and pulled the trigger. Her children were left without a mother and there is no doubt in my mind that a big part of the blame lays on the “saints” who made her feel guilty and unworthy. They were her last hope and failed her miserably.

Because of situations like this I absolutely HATED Christians. I can’t honestly say all of that hatred is completely gone, but I am certainly asking God to take it away. Christians seem to forget that the very word “Christian” means they must be “like Christ”. Jesus was not judgmental. He shunned the saints to hang out with the sinners. He spent his time in those places where the need was greatest. Jesus would have been on the porn show floor with us.

People like you, sir, spend your time amongst the saints. You are too good/afraid to sin/ whatever to get out there with us sinners. For that, most of us hate you. In fact, if I gave you the list of adult industry message boards you’d see that I am now facing an enormous amount of persecution from my former colleagues in the porn business simply because I’ve publicly professed my decision to follow Christ. All of that hatred is due to their own past experiences with Christians. Their perceptions of what being a Christian means has been so screwed up by the “saints” that they have no idea what it means to find someone who is truly trying to be like Christ.

That is why the men from XXXChurch got my attention two years ago. They were NOT afraid to come in on my level. They were confident that Jesus Christ would give them the strength they needed to face the temptations they may or may not face, all so that they could focus on their goal of bringing his message of love to me and all of the other pornographers and porn actresses and sinners alike. I gave them such grief for that… so much so that they had to ban me from their sites a few times. But I was testing them. I was beating them up to see if they stood up to it.

In a perfect world you could respond to this message and tell me that I need to put my eyes on God and take them off of men. In a perfect world you’d be right. But here in the real world we have to live with the fact that the only “flesh and blood” most people will ever see from God comes in the shape of those who profess to follow him, and we therefore have to either (a) be perfect or (b) acknowledge that we’re just human beings too. Since “a” isn’t possible we must go with “b”. And having an attitude that we’re too holy to mingle with the sinners doesn’t work for letter “b”.

Now, since you doubt that Christian men can go into a porn convention without being tempted beyond what they’re able to bear, let me tell you a little about said porn shows. I know JR wants you to go with him to Las Vegas to experience this for yourself, but perhaps I can shed a bit of light before hand. Please forgive me because I’m about to get a little graphic, but you’re a big boy and I know you can handle it. Here I go with some examples from this past AVN show in Las Vegas:

1. In one display area there were videos playing where young ladies put suction cups on their genitals. These cups sucked said genitals so hard they began to swell to several times their normal size. The resulting images and videos showed vaginas that were horribly deformed. Sound good to you? (visit xxxchurch.com for help if it does)

2. In another display there were devices being sold that looked like pogo sticks. On part of this “pogo stick” was a penis. The intent of this object is for a woman to place it inside herself and bounce on it. The people selling this item were rather hairy and sweaty. Turned on yet? No? Okay, let me see if I can do better.

3. How about videos of machines that are made strictly to have sex with women? A dildo is placed on the end of a mechanical device that rotates at several thousand RPMs, rapidly penetrating a model on the other end. Do I have you going yet?

You mean you’re not turned on? Your stomach is churning? I know how you feel, because the first time I was at the show I felt sick to my stomach as well. But it really sucks that I’ve already grossed you out because I haven’t even told you about some of the most depraved forms of entertainment being shown on the floor. I haven’t told you about the transsexual who was wandering the floor in his pink dress with his penis hanging out for all to see. I bet that would have moved you, right? I haven’t told you about the objects being sold that are meant to inflict pain on genitals of both men and women, along with the graphic photographs meant to portray how those objects are to be used. I haven’t told you about…. Okay, I’ll stop. Take a deep breath. You’ll be okay, I promise.

See, it’s altogether possible that Christian men who are on a mission to help deliver lost souls from the porn industry ARE INDEED able to resist the “temptations” they run across. And don’t you see how it might make an impact on those of us wandering the floor that these “Bible Thumpers” aren’t afraid to spend time with us in such an environment? It definitely gets our attention and makes us wonder what’s going on. What are these people doing in here passing out “Jesus loves porn stars” shirts? Why are they giving us Bibles? Why are they asking us to sign some chart that says we’ll go without porn for just one week… just give it a try? I can tell you from experience, it plants seeds. My seeds took a few years to germinate, but they eventually popped out of the ground. Why? Because I was seeing men who were truly acting like the Jesus Christ I’d read about in my earlier years. These men were spending time with us “tax collectors” and “prostitutes”. They weren’t standing around having pious discussions with each other like all the pharisees I’d known growing up.

Sir, I doubt you can stomach the things you’d see at a porn convention. But thank God he has a few men who can.

Respectfully yours,

Donny Pauling
Former Porn Producer


22 Comments

Fuel! Further ignite my fire, please!

When I began my career as a porn producer I caught a lot of flack from Christians. I used their comments to fuel my drive to delve deeper and deeper into the adult entertainment business.

Now, in part, I’m using the people in the adult entertainment business to help my drive to become a full-blown Jesus Freak. While I still have a handful of people from the business who are proving they are true friends (by supporting my decision even if they don’t agree with it), the overwhelming majority of people are just getting more and more cruel with their comments.

One man I used to consider a good friend has begun publicly tearing me apart. That one instance is really the only person who hurts me at this point. The rest just fuel my fire.

Some enjoy throwing my own comments back in my face. They’ll quote things I’ve written in my old blog and smugly think they’re proving something. I guess they missed that note on the left column of this new blog where I’ve written that those past blog entries have been left on record on purpose. I’m not hiding from anything I’ve said. We’ve all been wrong in our lives. I wrote many mean, hurtful things about Christianity. At the time, it was one of the ways I vented my frustrations with organized religion. I didn’t know it then, but with everything that’s happened in my life since September 25th, it’s rather evident that I was just deluding myself. God has the power to change hearts. He has definitely changed mine.

I really enjoy self-analysis. I try to be as honest with myself as possible. I realize that I keep going back to the message boards and responding because I really, truly need to read what is being written. It drives me. It gives me further resolve to do everything in my power to never again give up on God. I don’t want to fail and prove the ignorant to be right about me.

Perhaps that’s a bad attitude for me to take, but at least it’s an honest one.


42 Comments

The Issue of Links Staying “As Is”. And Church Tonight.

LINKS:

Someone made a comment to my last blog entry that said:

You said you would archive [this blog] with the old links so it wouldn’t hide your past…but what about people who go to the archive to read your story (because maybe they are struggling to break free too) and then they have those links staring them in the face? So, hey, its your blog, and God will lead you to the best decision for you, but I thought I would point out that counter point. God bless.

Here’s my thoughts on that: I think everyone should take responsibility for themselves. In the soon-to-be archived section of my blog, the links are no easier to click on than those found with a simple Google search. Anyone who uses a computer knows how to type any porn related term into any search engine and find millions of results. I may reverse my decision to leave the links up in the future. But for now I want my “history” to be readily available.

CHURCH TONIGHT:

Please don’t think I’m being negative. To be honest, I was very happy all day and was a bit excited at the prospect of going to church after asking God back into my life. I tried to remain so throughout tonight’s service. But, as I mentioned in my last blog entry, I made a promise to my father to remain true to myself and to sugar coat nothing while on this journey, so I’m going to tell you exactly what I think. Here goes…

Church tonight really annoyed me. It’s like I never left. The same songs are being sung. The same things are being said in sermons. It’s just one more person parroting what everyone before him has said in every church service since the beginning of time.

Why must we sing about how great God is, over and over? I know, I know. God wants to hear our praises. This doesn’t make all that much sense to me but I’ll accept your word for it. As one of God’s children, I think of my relationship to him a bit like my relationship with my own son. I want my son to think I’m great and all, but he doesn’t have to tell me over and over and over and over every day for the rest of his life. In fact, I’d think he was a bit weird if he did so…

Seriously, now. Churches wonder why so many “fall away”. I’ll let ya in on one big reason: most churches sing stupid songs that don’t “get to” a person. Know what I mean? One song tonight literally repeated “God is so good” over and over. Wow! That moves me about as much as watching paint dry and almost as much as watching a snail crawling a wall. I mean, what exactly is the point of repeating that phrase for 20 minutes? I don’t get it.

And why must the same rhetoric come out of every preacher’s mouth in every service in every church around the world? Most of the people in church have been there since they were very young. We’ve all heard the stories. 45 times or so. Why tell it again? And why use the exact same verbage as every other preacher? Does God demand only certain words be used when proclaiming his truth?

When the church was singing tonight I was thinking to myself, “I need to start writing songs that people actually enjoy singing!” When the preacher was preaching I was thinking, “Ya know, there’s a big need for interesting preachers in today’s churches! If I ever get up in front of people I’m going to try telling them something that actually helps them in real life situations. Or at least come up with something that INTERESTS them!”

To be fair, on a “challenge” from my ex-wife I went to this same church not too terribly long ago and was impressed. There was a different speaker and for some reason the music was pretty good. I don’t know what happened tonight, but I’ll give them another chance or two. After that I’ll start visiting other area churches to see if I can find one where I “fit”. So far I’m having much more success talking one on one with other Christians or just driving alone in my truck praying.


21 Comments

The Issue of Links Staying "As Is". And Church Tonight.

LINKS:

Someone made a comment to my last blog entry that said:

You said you would archive [this blog] with the old links so it wouldn’t hide your past…but what about people who go to the archive to read your story (because maybe they are struggling to break free too) and then they have those links staring them in the face? So, hey, its your blog, and God will lead you to the best decision for you, but I thought I would point out that counter point. God bless.

Here’s my thoughts on that: I think everyone should take responsibility for themselves. In the soon-to-be archived section of my blog, the links are no easier to click on than those found with a simple Google search. Anyone who uses a computer knows how to type any porn related term into any search engine and find millions of results. I may reverse my decision to leave the links up in the future. But for now I want my “history” to be readily available.

CHURCH TONIGHT:

Please don’t think I’m being negative. To be honest, I was very happy all day and was a bit excited at the prospect of going to church after asking God back into my life. I tried to remain so throughout tonight’s service. But, as I mentioned in my last blog entry, I made a promise to my father to remain true to myself and to sugar coat nothing while on this journey, so I’m going to tell you exactly what I think. Here goes…

Church tonight really annoyed me. It’s like I never left. The same songs are being sung. The same things are being said in sermons. It’s just one more person parroting what everyone before him has said in every church service since the beginning of time.

Why must we sing about how great God is, over and over? I know, I know. God wants to hear our praises. This doesn’t make all that much sense to me but I’ll accept your word for it. As one of God’s children, I think of my relationship to him a bit like my relationship with my own son. I want my son to think I’m great and all, but he doesn’t have to tell me over and over and over and over every day for the rest of his life. In fact, I’d think he was a bit weird if he did so…

Seriously, now. Churches wonder why so many “fall away”. I’ll let ya in on one big reason: most churches sing stupid songs that don’t “get to” a person. Know what I mean? One song tonight literally repeated “God is so good” over and over. Wow! That moves me about as much as watching paint dry and almost as much as watching a snail crawling a wall. I mean, what exactly is the point of repeating that phrase for 20 minutes? I don’t get it.

And why must the same rhetoric come out of every preacher’s mouth in every service in every church around the world? Most of the people in church have been there since they were very young. We’ve all heard the stories. 45 times or so. Why tell it again? And why use the exact same verbage as every other preacher? Does God demand only certain words be used when proclaiming his truth?

When the church was singing tonight I was thinking to myself, “I need to start writing songs that people actually enjoy singing!” When the preacher was preaching I was thinking, “Ya know, there’s a big need for interesting preachers in today’s churches! If I ever get up in front of people I’m going to try telling them something that actually helps them in real life situations. Or at least come up with something that INTERESTS them!”

To be fair, on a “challenge” from my ex-wife I went to this same church not too terribly long ago and was impressed. There was a different speaker and for some reason the music was pretty good. I don’t know what happened tonight, but I’ll give them another chance or two. After that I’ll start visiting other area churches to see if I can find one where I “fit”. So far I’m having much more success talking one on one with other Christians or just driving alone in my truck praying.


25 Comments

Almost 1 Week

(this is being reposted from my old blog)

It’s now been almost a week since I’ve given up porn to surrender my life to God again. And what a week it’s been. Several people have been supportive. Others… not so much. To put it mildly.

Surprisingly, some of the biggest supporters of this decision have come from within the adult industry itself. At some point in the future I’ll make a blog entry that consists of nothing but reactions from others. I think you’ll find that one quite interesting.

Belinda and I have a lot of talking to do, that’s for sure. She thinks I’ve gone “temporarily insane”. But she loves me and is desperate to know what happens next. For now I’ll say no more about the two of us.

Each day I’ve run the range of emotions from being very happy to feeling very sad. What surprises me, however, is that I have no desire to go backwards.

Right now it’s after 3 am and I can’t sleep. My mind is racing. I had photo shoots scheduled last week and cancelled them all. Cancelling my source of income brings lots of scary thoughts to mind that aren’t conducive to sleeping well.

Of course, my dad was happy to hear that I’ve given up porn and am asking God to be a part of my life again. He had some surprising advice:

“Don’t let anyone talk you into becoming ‘religious’. God doesn’t ask that of you. Stay true to yourself. We need to get together soon and have some long talks.”

This blog will soon change. I’ll archive it in its current form, but the new template will have the porn links removed. On the archived version of the blog the links will remain. That, my friends, is part of “being true to myself”. I don’t want to feel like a hypocrite and I am not going to hide what I’ve done in my past.


10 Comments

I'm Out, But the Blog Abides!

(reposted from my old blog, where I used to discuss stories from my life as a porn producer)

Don’t you hate it when people politicize things and make grandiose speeches to get across even the most mundane topics of conversation? So do I. So let’s see if I can avoid that for you. I’ll really, truly make an honest effort and try to cut the crap and be straight forward with you. After all, my constant readers, you’ve stuck with me for so long. You deserve to hear what I have to say without the extra serving of bullshit.

I’m scared. I really, truly am. Terrified. Petrified. All of those things. Why is that? I’ll tell ya:

I’m quitting the adult business.

I’m weary. This has been a tough year. Mostly because I’ve been struggling with some “personal demons” (as Hollywood so artistically puts it) within myself. Perhaps, over time, I’ll reveal more of those details as the others involved in my life grow more comfortable with my apparent need to speak publicly of private matters.

I’ve always questioned the faith my father tried to teach me. There are so many things about Christianity that just make no sense to me. Right here in this blog you’ve seen me ridicule various aspects of it. But, like many of you probably do, I still pray from time to time. It just feels good once in awhile, doesn’t it? Even if you’re not entirely sure anyone’s listening. It’s a psychological thing, ya know?

This past week I finally decided to stop fighting some of the turmoils I’ve had inside. I prayed the following prayer, almost word-for-word:

“God, you know that I have trouble believing the sacrifice was ever truly made. But I want to accept it anyway and hope that you somehow help me reconcile those doubts. I’m inviting you back into my life.”

At that point I turned on K-Love (Christian radio station) in my car. This song was the very first song that played. I am not really sure why I mentioned that part of the story because, to be absolutely honest with you, I’m a bit embarrassed by so many parts of it. I’ve ranted against Christianity for so long now that it feels almost hypocritical to be talking about Donny praying and listening to Christian radio.

Part of the “blame” for me coming to this decision must be layed on the Pastors of XXXChurch.com. In fact, JR flew out from Michigan to spend a day at my house and is currently sleeping in my guest room as I type this (more on that in a future blog entry).

I feel a huge sense of relief and happiness for the first time in a LONG, LONG time. This blog’s not going anywhere. I’ll have to change the title to “Donny’s Ramblings: Diary of a FORMER Pornographer” or something similar, but I’ll still be blogging. And I don’t intend to remove any prior entries, as I think that would take away from my story.

There’s a lot more detail to share with you, but right now I’m dead tired and need to get some sleep. Earlier in this blog entry I mentioned being scared, and I still haven’t told you exactly why. Here it is:

At this point I don’t know where I’m going, what I’m doing, or what the future holds.

That terrifies me.


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I’m Out, But the Blog Abides!

(reposted from my old blog, where I used to discuss stories from my life as a porn producer)

Don’t you hate it when people politicize things and make grandiose speeches to get across even the most mundane topics of conversation? So do I. So let’s see if I can avoid that for you. I’ll really, truly make an honest effort and try to cut the crap and be straight forward with you. After all, my constant readers, you’ve stuck with me for so long. You deserve to hear what I have to say without the extra serving of bullshit.

I’m scared. I really, truly am. Terrified. Petrified. All of those things. Why is that? I’ll tell ya:

I’m quitting the adult business.

I’m weary. This has been a tough year. Mostly because I’ve been struggling with some “personal demons” (as Hollywood so artistically puts it) within myself. Perhaps, over time, I’ll reveal more of those details as the others involved in my life grow more comfortable with my apparent need to speak publicly of private matters.

I’ve always questioned the faith my father tried to teach me. There are so many things about Christianity that just make no sense to me. Right here in this blog you’ve seen me ridicule various aspects of it. But, like many of you probably do, I still pray from time to time. It just feels good once in awhile, doesn’t it? Even if you’re not entirely sure anyone’s listening. It’s a psychological thing, ya know?

This past week I finally decided to stop fighting some of the turmoils I’ve had inside. I prayed the following prayer, almost word-for-word:

“God, you know that I have trouble believing the sacrifice was ever truly made. But I want to accept it anyway and hope that you somehow help me reconcile those doubts. I’m inviting you back into my life.”

At that point I turned on K-Love (Christian radio station) in my car. This song was the very first song that played. I am not really sure why I mentioned that part of the story because, to be absolutely honest with you, I’m a bit embarrassed by so many parts of it. I’ve ranted against Christianity for so long now that it feels almost hypocritical to be talking about Donny praying and listening to Christian radio.

Part of the “blame” for me coming to this decision must be layed on the Pastors of XXXChurch.com. In fact, JR flew out from Michigan to spend a day at my house and is currently sleeping in my guest room as I type this (more on that in a future blog entry).

I feel a huge sense of relief and happiness for the first time in a LONG, LONG time. This blog’s not going anywhere. I’ll have to change the title to “Donny’s Ramblings: Diary of a FORMER Pornographer” or something similar, but I’ll still be blogging. And I don’t intend to remove any prior entries, as I think that would take away from my story.

There’s a lot more detail to share with you, but right now I’m dead tired and need to get some sleep. Earlier in this blog entry I mentioned being scared, and I still haven’t told you exactly why. Here it is:

At this point I don’t know where I’m going, what I’m doing, or what the future holds.

That terrifies me.