Donny's Ramblings


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Introspection

“I earn $X,XXX per dealership. I have X dealerships as clients.”

“I’ve spoken at this event and that event. I received $X,XXX to speak.”

“I’ve been on this news show. I’ve been written about in that paper. I’ve been given this book offer.”

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The following is a direct quote of something that was recently written to me. I’ve edited nothing. There’s an f bomb or two in there, so if that offends you feel free to skip this part. Here’s what she wrote (I changed nothing – not even spelling or punctuation errors):

actually donny i give you props for being fairly slick.

you play up the “i’m a christian” part. you make sure to keep in contact with those you now “pray” for (if you don’t get it then i’m talking about those that sell porn). and the best part, you CASH in on all of this.

damn boy, do i see the next Jim Bakker before me?

you know when you first said that you “found” god (oh and by the way, where was god and what does god look like….just so i know in case i run into this “god”), i was all for your decision. you know – whatever makes a person happy type thing even though it goes against my beliefs.

then you started in with this whole ex gf thing and that just creeped me the fuck out. i had visions of jack nicholson from the shinning with him using the ax to get into the bathroom door (sans donny). you started losing me at this point because i really started to question whether or not you were really “christian”.

but now i get it – you are the true american capitalist. if you aren’t going to make money in porn (and you were doing VERY well for yourself), then you sure as hell (oops said that word – oh well i’ll be there soon enough so…) are going to make it on the extreme opposite end of the spectrum. kudos to you for making money anyway you can.

however, how many times and how may people are going to hurt and drag down along the way? don’t say you’re not because in a very real sense – you are.

i have no problem with someone who wants to believe in something – something where it helps them get through the day. what i have a problem with is fake, bullshit, self appointed, propoganda. and that is what you are doing my friend. you are USING those around you for your OWN BENEFIT and i don’t believe that god, jesus or mary, for that matter, would find it amusing.

i have read your blog, i actually enjoyed your writings even though i don’t agree with your beliefs, and i really wanted to believe that you believed what you had written. however, i have now come to the conclusion that it’s fake and it sickens me.

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From numerous books I’ve read, it seems many men have a need to feel validated by how well we can provide. Our self confidence is often directly related to our earning power.

I am one of those who demonstrate the truth to that line of thought. My self esteem is often in direct proportion to how much money I’m making. Not necessarily because I want to have money in the bank, but because I want to feel like I am worth something. Does that make any sense?

The three lines that started this blog entry are lines that have escaped my mouth on numerous occasions in numerous conversations. The first two lines fall right into that whole “need to provide” idea. The last one is pure ego.

There, I said it. I was honest. The truth is that I like the media attention I’ve received. I could sit here at my keyboard and try to pretend I don’t. That wouldn’t be true. I like the attention. I like the fact that people want to read what I have to write, or hear what I have to speak.

But what Cassie may not realize is that I do believe what I write here. I do believe the things I say about God. I do believe he has saved my life. But that doesn’t mean I’m perfect.

I know… I know… many Christians want people to think that giving one’s life to God means everything is suddenly fine and dandy. Hunky Dory. But that’s not the case at all, is it? I’m still a really screwed up person. I’m working on it, but the progress is excrutiatingly slow.

I’ve got this big ol’ ego on one shoulder that’s countered by this inner self-esteem problem. When the ego’s in charge, I brag. When the self-esteem problem takes over, I talk about people wanting to listen to me speak or book deals or… whatever. Why? Because I’m trying to “prove” that I mean something.

You might be thinking, “Donny, God is your self esteem. God is your source of power. It’s all about him. It’s not about you.”

I know all those things. Believe me, I do know those things. But knowing something and acting on it… well that’s two separate animals, isn’t it? For me it sure is.

I’m not beating myself up over these character flaws. What’s the point in doing so? All I can really do is acknowledge they exist and try to change them, asking for God’s help. The thing is, God’s not going to wave a magic wand and whisk all the bad stuff away. That would compromise free will, wouldn’t it? I’m still going to be me and I’m still going to have to fight my battles and I’m going to have to choose to accept that I CAN conquer these “personal demons”, with His help.

We’re not expected to be perfect, thank God. You’ll likely hear me refer to the following scriptures over and over and over again. I do so because this passage gives me hope and makes me feel like I’m not the only one who constantly screws up.

Here’s Paul, the man who wrote the majority of the New Testament, and the man who was used by God in such powerful ways, writing this about himself (Romans 7:15-25):

What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary.

But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.