Donny's Ramblings


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The Story of A Girl Whose Life I Ruined

I must warn you that what I’m about to share with you is very dark.  If you are in need of a “picker upper,” this story is not for you.  For some, this article might be quite depressing.  For others, it might be a wake-up call, causing them to think of a side of pornography they’ve never before considered.  The latter is my intent.  There’s not much light at the end of this particular dark tunnel.  Also note that I have Mindy’s permission, and indeed encouragment, to share her story.

When you tell a person what they can’t have, they’ll often try to convince you that you’re wrong.  This is especially true for the college aged who have recently left the safety of the nest to try their wings out on their own for the first time.  When recruiting new porn actresses, I understood this very well and used it to my advantage.  Often working from a nice home, I let the house and our lifestyle do the selling for me.  A new prospect would arrive after having driven through one of the better neighborhoods in town and, prior to sitting down to interview with me in my home office, would be shown around the property like a valued guest.  My girlfriend and I had things the interviewee didn’t have, the photos of us were taken at vacations spots where she likely hadn’t been, the “famous” people with whom we posed were people she’d recognize but likely hadn’t met.

There were psychological reasons for this:  I not only wanted her to feel comfortable in a warm, non-threatening environment, but I also knew she’d start painting herself into the picture.  “Porn can give me this lifestyle?” she’d ask herself.  “No, dear girl, this lifestyle isn’t for you,” I’d verbalize, “You can’t handle this business.  What if your dad finds out you’re working for me?”  The more a college aged girl was presented with questions like this, the more she’d argue that I was wrong and this life was something she could handle.  When her life began falling apart, I could pat myself on the back for having warned her against getting involved in the first place.

One December day a girl named Mindy arrived at my house.   She’d turned 18 barely a month before her interview.  I wish I could deny playing the part I played in her story.  For a long time I either didn’t want to talk about it, or I’d mention small bits of information.  Mindy is the reason my cell phone number has never been changed.  She has it memorized, and to this day she’ll call when she’s at her worst and has nowhere else to turn.

Back on that first day, I knew I had a money maker.  I verified the age on her ID because, well, isn’t it obvious by looking at her pictures?  She looks really young.  I’d already been in the business four years by this time, so I had a pretty good handle on the demands of the market.  I knew men would go crazy over this girl.

I initially emailed samples to clients who owned websites.  Every one of them either matched their largest order size, or ordered more of her than they had of any other model I’d submitted.  One client who specialized in the “teen” niche – which requires a model to be over 18 but look younger – started asking if I’d be willing to partner with him on solo-girl website.  Such a site features one girl, rather than a variety of girls.  We made a proposal to Mindy:  she’d receive 25% of site revenue, I’d receive 25% and my new business partner would keep the remaining 50%.  His portion was larger because he would be responsible for all website development, hosting and promotions.

Mindy was the easiest model I’ve ever worked with, at least when it came to porn production.  She had a natural charisma, beautiful smile and a melodic laugh.  She loved life, and enlivened any room into which she walked.  At the beginning of her “career,” she could have been the poster child for “bubbly personality.”  The second a camera was pointed at her, she’d just start posing.  She didn’t need to be directed.  I couldn’t press the shutter release quickly enough.  For the most part, she’d pick out her own clothing and props, and she didn’t care where we shot, from rolling around in the dirt of a dry field to posing on railroad tracks, from taking over an aircraft hangar – and using the aircraft within it as her own personal props – to breaking into an abandoned sawmill, Mindy was up for anything.  When it came to videos, no script was needed because you could be sure that whatever Mindy came up with would be something her “fans” enjoyed seeing.  The one thing she didn’t want to do, however, was touch another person.  I honored that… for a while.

I believe that into every woman is built a need to be desired.  This desire can be used for the purposes of manipulation by guys like the one I used to be.  With Mindy, we flattered her and praised the things we loved about her.  Prior to the launch of her website, her fan base had already exploded due to the release of thousands of images of her on other popular sites.  The feedback she received was shared with her.  We used it to inflate her ego and prod her along.  Her “fans” needed her, after all.  With that positive reinforcement in mind, she was under the impression that she was going to become a celebrity once her solo-site launched.  She told everyone about it.

When an 18 year old girl begins making $10,000 per month, she more than likely isn’t going to know how to handle that amount of money.  Mindy was no exception.  She wanted to take care of people by giving them money and buying things for them, and she wanted to have fun.  Not being promiscuous by nature, she wouldn’t go home with fans, but she could be found passed out at parties.  She was raped several times over the years. Sometimes I’d immediately be told about these rapes, and other times I would not, only having them brought up months later.  I encouraged her to speak to police, but she never wanted to do so.  I asked local law enforcement if there was anything I could do, and was told she had to be willing to talk about it herself.  By this time, she felt as if all she was good for was to serve as an outlet for the “needs” men thought they had, either by entertaining them on her website, or letting them get away with taking what they wanted from her when she was passed out.  The lifestyle I had saddled her with had drained all light and sparkle from her eyes.  They reflected a soul that had died inside.

Where once a girl existed who would light up a room just by being herself, now there was a girl who would often literally begin a sentence laughing and end that same sentence in tears.  She once broke down on a sidewalk after we’d gone out for pizza and loudly cried about how her website was destroying her life.  Another time, I shot scenes with her in a hotel room at a local casino, and in between scenes she passed out on the bed.  I let her sleep for hours, but by checkout time I still couldn’t get her to wake up.  I had to call security to see if they could help, because God knows I didn’t want to pay for another day, and ended up witnessing a room full of hostile men badgering a naked young girl who was quite angry at having been forced awake, trying to dress and gather her things as strangers screamed at her that she had to leave.

The first time Mindy told me she’d given her life to Jesus, I was actually happy to hear it.  The things I’d seen in Mindy’s life didn’t make me feel very good because I knew a big part of the blame was on me.  Built into her contract was the requirement to keep producing new content if she wanted to keep receiving her percentage of sales, and I knew that she’d have quit early on if she could have just walked away while keeping residual royalties.  Jesus entering her life meant I was going to lose one of my best-selling models, but at least I wouldn’t have to keep looking into those haunted eyes when she was around.

More than anything, I was a hate-filled, selfish man.  My hatred was fueled by the hypocrisy I’d witnessed within the church during my teen years, as well as the perceived ongoing hypocrisy of Christians who would lecture me about the life I was living, yet want to see what new pornographic content I’d produced.  While I was happy to see the lights return to Mindy’s eyes, I was not happy to be on the receiving end of her attempts to save my soul.  She definitely wasn’t prepared to discuss such matters with me.  Had she not decided to witness to me, I might not have made such an effort to drag her back into porn.  But since the church ladies who met with her on a regular basis had encouraged her to “plant seeds” into my mind, I in retaliation decided I’d try to remove Mindy’s faith entirely.  Already, she was having a hard time making ends meet, as income no longer came in from the site (remember, it depended upon her willingness to add new content).   I asked her if she understood that old religious men were the ones who had made up the moral rules prohibiting her from participating in her website, which was still able to provide very well for her financially if she’d just give up the crazy religious stuff.  I began pointing out inconsistencies in the Bible.  I asked her what loving God would command that unborn babies be ripped from their mother’s wombs, as is mentioned in the book of Hosea.  After having spent so much time with her – at one time she even lived with me – I knew how best to manipulate her into seeing things my way.  She’d come back to the lifestyle every time, initially insisting that she’d only shoot lingerie at most, but quickly jumping back in full bore.

But now I told her she needed to do more.  First we started with girls, then later with boyfriends.  Eventually, I had her take on both visiting male friends and myself, often at the same time, although we’d film it so that it could technically be called a porn shoot rather than prostitution.  The difference between legal prostitution and illegal prostitution is just that the former is labeled “pornography” and involves a model release and a camera of some sort.

Because someone she thought cared for her was now using her as a prostitute, she started identifying as one.  Drugs had never previously been part of her life, but they became part of it now.  I guess they made it easy to do what she was doing.  I’d often pick her up for shoots from hotel rooms where it was apparent she’d been selling herself to others.  She bounced from house to house, living with random older men who’d use her for a time and then send her on her way.  She has no idea who her son’s father might be, because she didn’t know any of the men who were present the night she was impregnated while passed out at a party.

I wish there was a happy ending to Mindy’s story, but there’s not.  Not many months ago, she called in tears, begging me to adopt her two kids.  The state had taken them one time too many, and they were now no longer eligible to be returned to her.  Her social worker had informed her that a close friend or family member could be given priority, and she wondered if I would be willing, as the rest of her family was not.  I gave it thought and prayer, but realized I’m not equipped to take them on.

I’ve now known Mindy for almost 13 years, and there is far more to this story.  I could write more than one book about her life alone.  What is important for you to know is this:  when I led her into pornography, her life was forever changed.  Every single time I see her, she tells me that the website we created of her still impacts her life to this day.  Random strangers still recognize her and make assumptions about her.  She fights hard with the mental illness that was brought on while dealing with the numerous issues that have arisen from working for me. She is very paranoid most of the time, thinking people must be stalking her.  When she is noticed by a man in public, she never assumes it is because he finds her attractive, but rather because he has seen her online somewhere without her clothes on.

There is nothing at all attractive about what happened to her.

I wonder if the men and women who found so much appeal in the images and video content we produced of Mindy would find it attractive if they knew what it cost her.  I wonder if there would be any arousal if the reality was shown:  often before a scene, Mindy would protest, but she knew she wouldn’t earn any money if she didn’t do it, so she’d put on her best game face and do what made her feel worthless, pretending she enjoyed it.

I put her in front of a camera and repeatedly convinced her to continue doing work that was dimming her eyes and killing her soul, but I’d like to point out that the Law of Supply and Demand means all of us who have consumed pornography are part of the cycle of broken lives, like Mindy’s, that result from this industry.  This story is not unique; it happens in some form or other every day, repeatedly.  Mindy is someone’s daughter.  What if she was yours?

While there is an enormous amount of darkness in Mindy’s life, there are also things I find encouraging.  Even though she was impregnated through rape, and even though she knew she might not be able to provide for a child, abortion was never an option that entered her mind.  Her children might not have been afforded the best life possible with her, but they do have life, and I’ve no doubt whatsoever that they prefer that to the alternative.

I also take courage in the fact that Mindy never gives up.  There are situations she has faced that are just as bad as or worse than those I’ve shared, but she doesn’t give up.  She’s never once threatened to end her life, she doesn’t whine, and she reluctantly accepts handouts.  Sometimes she goes to church, other times she does not, but she’s never blamed God for her circumstances.

What I need from you, dear reader, is a promise that you’ll pray for Mindy.  Please don’t do so as a one-time thing.  Add her to your daily or weekly prayer list.  It has been almost 13 years since porn began affecting her life, and the images and video we created together will be around until long after she has departed this world.  There will never be a time when prayers for her are wasted.   If you’d like specific things to pray for, I’d suggest praying that her mind is healed and that her children are cared for in loving, nurturing environments.  The most recent update I have of them is from a few months ago, and they were in foster care at that time.

And finally, please help share the message that pornography involves real people.  One way to fight it is to decrease the demand for it.  Let’s humanize those who are involved in its creation so that fewer consumers find it appealing.  If you’re a consumer, please do whatever is necessary to stop consumption.  Encourage your children to become warriors, fighting for those who aren’t willing to fight for themselves by refusing to ever become consumers of pornography.  FightTheNewDrug has done a great job with their marketing campaign to sell products such as t-shirts, hoodies and wrist bands that are intended to make porn “uncool” for young people.  Perhaps browse their store and make a purchase or two for the youth in your life.  Let’s work to change the way porn is esteemed, transforming the attitude that “everybody uses it” to “it’s just not cool” in ways similar to anti-smoking campaigns.  We CAN do it.

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As I travel to speak, I’m often asked by parents and those who wish to protect themselves if there is any particular computer/mobile device software I recommend.  It is my opinion that Covenant Eyes offers the very best software on the market, and does a fantastic job keeping it updated.  Because the quality of their work demands a full time staff to keep it updated, they do have a small monthly fee.  However, if you use my reference code, they’ll give you the first month free to try it.  Click here to check it out or go to CovenantEyes.com and use promo code donnypauling.


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Jenna Jameson Returns to Porn?

In 2008, porn star Jenna Jameson stood on the stage of the Adult Video Network Awards show, to present an award named after her, and stated the following:

“Honesty is key. I will never, ever, ever spread my legs in this industry again. Ever.”

She’d recently sold her company to Playboy for $25 million, and was booed when she uttered those words.

Now, 5 years later and broke, she recently announced she’ll be getting back in. But industry insiders are saying she’s too old and worn out to make any decent money.

Tonight, I posted some questions to my former colleagues and am currently awaiting answers. Here is what I asked:

Honestly, this pisses me off. I’d like to ask a few questions. Feel free to ignore me.

Ron Jeremy, Monique Alexander, Martin Bashir, Donny Pauling, Craig Gross

If I were to film your daughter – when she’s over 18 of course – and I told you what a great anal scene she’d shot for me the day before, when I teamed her up with three guys who all had her do ATM and then shot all over her face and in her hair, how would you feel about that?

If it’s not okay when it’s your daughter, why’s it okay when it’s someone else’s daughter? Because she’s making money for you and signed a model release?

After the Debate

When I’ve asked questions like this of Ron Jeremy while debating him at Ohio State and at Yale University on Nightline ABC, he always pointed to Jenna Jameson as an example of success in this business. I pointed out that Jenna is the exception, not the rule, and that most girls have a very short “career” in this business, after which the work they do will follow them around for life. Long after the money is spent and they’re old grandmothers, their grandkids will still be able to find them somewhere. Nina Hartley, on the other hand, was more honest when I debated her and Ron at Ohio State. She said, “It’s true – the majority of models in the porn industry have about a 2 year shelf life, and afterwards won’t be able to work anywhere better than Home Depot.”

Now, Jenna is broke and probably can’t do very well in this industry. How does that make you feel? What if she was your little girl?

And again, to those of you who consume porn, you’re part of the same supply-and-demand-circle that tears down the lives of the actors and actresses on screen. You can hide behind an anonymous screen and escape responsibility. Consuming in ANY way contributes to the demand, which is filled by producers and companies who release the supply.

Just a li’l somethin’ somethin’ to consider…


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Is This Sexy?

In an internet discussion with a bunch of guys who think porn’s great, I shared a few of my “porn stories”, which you, my constant readers, have all read.  There are always all sorts of reasons/objections these guys use to explain why each story “isn’t my fault” or to find somewhere else to pass the buck of blame.

I decided to look for other stories of reality, so I went to the website of  former porn star Shelley Lubben and found some really sexy facts:

  • 66% of porn stars have Herpes, a non-curable disease.
  • Chlamydia and Gonorrhea among performers is 10x greater than that of LA County 20-24 year olds.
  • 70% of sexually transmitted infections in the porn industry occur in females.
  • 25 HIV cases among porn performers since 2004 reported by Adult Industry Medical Healthcare.
  • 20 suicides and 28 drug related deaths among performers that we know of since 2000.
  • Over 100 straight and gay performers died from AIDS.
  • The largest group viewing online pornography is ages 12 to 17.
  • More than 11 million teens regularly view porn online.
  • Worldwide pornography revenue in 2006 was $97.06 billion. Of that, approximately $13 billion was in the United States.
  • There are 4.2 million pornographic websites, 420 million pornographic web pages, and 68 million daily search engine requests.

She has links to references backing up those stats at the bottom of the page, and a few “happy happy joy joy” stories from porn stars some of you might recognize over on this page. Beautiful stories, no? Check them out:

“I did over 100 xxx hardcore movies where I was slapped, hit, choked and forced to to sex scenes I never agreed to.
As I did more and more scenes I abused prescription pills which were given to me anytime I wanted by several Doctors in the San Fernando Valley. I was given Vicodin, Xanax, Norcos, Prozac and Zoloft.” – Michelle Avanti

My first movie I was treated very rough by 3 guys. They pounded on me, gagged me with their penises, and tossed me around like I was a ball! I was sore, hurting and could barely walk. My insides burned and hurt so badly. I could barely pee and to try to have a bowel movement was out of the question. I was hurting so bad from the physical abuse from these 3 male porn stars! – Alexa Milano

“People in the porn industry are numb to real life and are like zombies walking around. The abuse that goes on in this industry is completely ridiculous. The way these young ladies are treated is totally sick and brainwashing. I left due to the trauma I experienced even though I was there only a short time.” – Jessie Jewels

“I had bodily fluids all over my face that had to stay on my face for ten minutes. The abuse and degradation was rough. I sweated and was in deep pain. On top of the horrifying experience, my whole body ached, and I was irritable the whole day. The director didn’t really care how I feltt; he only wanted to finish the video.” – Genevieve

“They told me if had my AIDS test that I’d be safe. I arrived on the set with my test and did a hardcore scene with two men. Within that week I was very sick with a fever of 104 and blisters all over my mouth, throat and private area. I looked like a monster. The doctor told me I had the non-curable disease Genital Herpes. I wanted to die.” – Roxy aka Shelley Lubben

“The truth is I let my lifestyle get the best of me. I hate life. I’m a mess. A disaster. I’ve attempted suicide many times.”
“No one cares about a dead porn star or stripper.” – Neesa

“Guys punching you in the face. You have semen from many guys all over your face, in your eyes. You get ripped. Your insides can come out of you. It’s never ending.” – Jersey Jaxin

“I found out 2 days later that I had caught gonorrhea in my first scene! As quick as that the glamour of being a porn star was gone. In the five years I was shooting I caught Gonorrhea and Chlamydia many times. Sometimes both at the same time about every 3-5 months.” – Nadia Styles

“As for myself, I ended up paying the price from working in the porn industry. In 2006, not even 9 months in, I caught a moderate form of dysplasia of the cervix(which is a form of HPV, a sexually transmitted disease) and later that day, I also found out I was pregnant. I had only 1 choice which was to abort the baby during my first month. It was extremely painful emotionally and physically. When it was all over, I cried my eyes out.”- Tamra Toryn

“My first scene was one of the worst experiences of my life. It was very scary. It was a very rough scene. My agent didn’t let me know ahead of time… I did it and I was crying and they didn’t stop. It was really violent. He was hitting me. It hurt. It scared me more than anything. They wouldn’t stop. They just kept rolling.”
“Drugs are huge. They’re using viagra. It’s unnatural. The girls will be on xanax and vicodin.” – Sierra Sinn

“I didn’t want to feel the pain of penetration from an over average sized man, being told to freeze in a position until the camera man was happy with his shots was very painful. I had peoples body fluids forced on my face or anywhere else the producer pleased and I had to accept it or else no pay. Sometimes you would get to a gig and the producer would change what the scene was supposed to be to something more intense and again if you didn’t like it, too bad, you did it or no pay.” – Elizabeth Rollings

“I went through more heartbreaks and became suicidal. I was taken to the hospital for panic attacks. I tried to overdose on xanax, strangle myself, and cut my wrists but not nearly deep enough. I was too scared of the pain. I prayed God would just take me away! I felt helpless. I even went to church for a few months but the guilt I felt was overwhelming that I would feel as if I were choking when I was at church. I had to choose and once again I chose to continue sinning. It was easier and I needed the money.” – Crissy Moran

“I hung out with a lot of people in the Adult industry, everybody from contract girls to gonzo actresses. Everybody has the same problems. Everybody is on drugs. It’s an empty lifestyle trying to fill up a void.”
“I became horribly addicted to heroin and crack. I overdosed at least 3 times, had tricks pull knives on me, have been beaten half to death- the only reason I am still here is God. – Becca Brat

“We should think about these issues right now, to change stuff around to make this a safer f**kin’ business. It isn’t a safe business, and I thought it was, and I would have not did that scene with no condom with Darren James if it would have crossed my mind that those tests weren’t good and that I couldn’t trust him or the people he’s been with. I thought porn people were the cleanest people in the world, is what I thought.” – Lara Roxx, diagnosed with HIV in April, 2004 along with four other porn stars.

How well does this match up to the sexually appealing picture trying to be portrayed on screen?  Witnessing these types of things in person is the biggest reason I can honestly say I’m not attracted to porn.


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The Supply and Demand Circle of Porn

For Brian, whom I’ve known almost 10 years, who produced porn with me from time to time, and who says it’s “not porn’s fault because porn is inanimate”, and who is completely right about that.

Dear Brian,

You’re right… “porn” is inanimate and “porn” isn’t to blame for the broken lives.  People are:  I AM,  you are…  Those who consume it.  Those who market it.  Those who send traffic to those who market it.

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos, but didn’t rape the girl at a party while she was passed out, assuming it was okay ’cause she’s a “porn star”.  Isn’t it sad she has a child who will never know who his father is?

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos, but didn’t plaster them on her daddy’s car for him to discover when leaving work with his buddies.

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos, but didn’t nail images to trees on her high school or college campus, humiliating her.

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos, but wasn’t there the day her daddy told her he didn’t want to speak to her anymore because she’d shamed her family.

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos, but wasn’t in the office with her the day she was kicked out of the police academy for violating their morality clause.

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos, but wasn’t in the office the day Hewlett Packard let her go after management found out about it.

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos, but wasn’t there on the day she attempted suicide when she didn’t feel she could deal with the repercussions anymore.

I wasn’t in the hospital with the girl who had to have surgery to repair damage she experienced when being pounded by multiple partners in multiple orifices.

That girl curled in a ball in a corner sucking her thumb on a porn set, mind blown from what she had to experience… I don’t know what to say about stuff like that.

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos… and the list goes on and on.

We recruit, we produce. We ship it off to be marketed. Some of us market it ourselves. Some of us send traffic to it.  Some of us consume it.

There’s a big circle in the “supply and demand” of porn. There are also human costs to this business. I take responsibility for my part.  I speak publicly about these things. I condemn nobody. We’re all part of it… every one of us in the supply and demand circle of porn.


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Shelley Lubben Site Redesign

Hey everyone,

I just wanted to post a quick note to let you all know that former porn star Shelly Lubben has just re-launched her website with new design. It looks fantastic!

I highly recommend checking out her blog and registering for her discussion forum. If you’re unfamiliar with Shelley read more about her by clicking here.

Congratulations Shelley!


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XXXChurch and the Esther Fund

I often have a hard time deciding how to start a blog entry. Once I get going, the words seem to come out in a flood, but those first few sentences are tough. I’ll write something, erase it, write something else, erase that too… I sometimes repeat this for 5 minutes.

Such is the case with this blog entry. It’s so important, yet I can’t figure out how to start. I want to talk about a new project being launched by XXXChurch.com and Shelley Lubben. For those of you unfamiliar with Shelly, she is a former porn star who surrendered her life to God several years ago. This new project is being called “The Esther Fund”. It’s one of those put your money where your mouth is type of projects.

It’s easy to be encouraged by a ministry that is helping people fight porn addiction, telling porn stars about Jesus’ love, and encouraging porn producers to consider God’s plan for their life. It’s a bit more difficult to pull out our checkbook to help support such a ministry.

What happens when people leave the porn world for God? Do they all just live happily ever after?

Unfortunately, the answer is a very loud “no”. It’s hard to leave a life where the money is so easy to make. Believe me, I know this very well from personal experience. Through the years I produced porn, I’d often feel God pulling on my heart strings. But I was afraid to lose everything I owned, and terrified I wouldn’t be able to support my ex-wife and son. I told Him there was no way I could ever leave because it would be too difficult to make a living outside of the porn world.

The Pastors of XXXChurch “get it”. They know the first few months, even the first year, after an individual leaves their former life is the most crucial, difficult time that individual is likely to face. That is the time they need God’s people to give them a bit of help re-establishing their life.

When I left, God miraculously took away my desire to shoot even one more image or one more minute of video footage. When I finally surrendered my life to Him, my biggest fear was no longer losing my possessions, because I knew that would happen and had resigned myself to it. My biggest fear was that I wouldn’t be able to provide for Wendy (my ex-wife) and Caden (my son). XXXChurch came through. I have no idea where the money came from, but they let the need be known and checks started showing up in my ex-wife’s mailbox. She was deeply touched by the generosity of those who cared enough to help.

The Esther Fund is something XXXChurch wants to use to assist future “Crissy Morans” and “Donovan Phillips” when the old life is left behind. It will greatly help with the transition to a new life. Every individual has unique issues that must be addressed when a major life change is made. It’s way too easy to say “I’ll pray for you and I know God will provide”. It’s often us He wants to use to do so.

I’ve been asking God for permission to travel to other churches, sharing my story in the hopes of raising awareness about the Esther Fund. In his time, I’m sure I’ll be doing so. You can help as well! Please take the time to read more about this project.